What Jack Chick Tracts Teach Us About Carson Cistulli

Evangelical patriot Jack Chick has admonished us against, among other things, Halloween and dirty Catholics. That much we know. What you may not realize is that Mr. Chick has of late undertaken the necessary business of warning the world about the wicked and iniquitous Carson Cistulli, who roams this earth spreading clap and bad ideas.

What, according to Mr. Chick, do you have to fear from this epicene waif who prefers fever-dreams of privilege to honest toil? Much, it turns out. For soul-thieving instance …

Carson Cistulli, upon threat of discipline from a dark force, encourages drug use among at-risk youths.

Carson Cistulli gives syphilis and AIDS to pregnant innocents.

Carson Cistulli, sub-rosa product of public schools, had a Wiccan teacher and from her he learned black arts and the finer points of animal torture.

Carson Cistulli, besides advocating a weak and mewling foreign policy, once murdered his own brother. This was the only act of anything resembling physical courage in Carson Cistulli’s foul-smelling life.

Go and tell others what Jack Chick has taught you about Carson Cistulli.

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

15 Responses to “What Jack Chick Tracts Teach Us About Carson Cistulli”

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  1. jwise224 says:

    After listening to a dozen past episodes of the Cistulli/Perry podcast for the last week and a half, this is not only appropriately timed but also rather convincing.

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  2. Kyle says:

    Holy hell, this is just wonderful.

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  3. Dave (UK) says:

    Very clever of someone with such a unique name to use an alias as common as Paul within his private cell.

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  4. SirDave says:

    Thank you, Jack Chick, for the admonitory cartoons. I consider myself forewarned.

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  5. Granite state pride says:

    I thought Carson prepped at SPS in Concord?

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  6. Hugh Briss says:

    And he doesn’t hold elevator doors:


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  7. This tract impugns, with its striking verisimilitude, epicene waifs throughout Christendom. Return to yon hovel and cower, Winona Ryder!

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  8. MikeS says:

    I’m sold.

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  9. deadhead says:

    I’m surprised there’s not an image of Cistulli snorting lines of MDMA and OxyContin off an underage male hooker’s ass while discussing the history of French clowns of the 1940′s… right before he strangles the poor sap with one of his stinky, cum stained, multi-colored tube sox.

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  10. dp says:

    Holy hell, this picture of Jack Chick is just flawless: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_drsACX1RqfU/SeIm-buqkfI/AAAAAAAAB8o/-PEzbezcaK0/s320/Jack+Chick.jpg

    Incidentally, holy hell is where the subject, author, and all readers of this post will reside after their horrid deaths at the hands of Satanist lesbians in sweater vests. It is foretold, and we must accept this.

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