What the Phillies Need: An Exercise in Deduction

New Phillies third baseman Michael Young gets acquainted with his new hometown.

Shortly after trading a pair of minor-league pitchers to acquire Michael Young from Texas, Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro said of the club’s new starting third baseman that he (i.e. Young) has what the Phillies need.

“And what is that, precisely?” the present author was inclined to ask aloud, in the silence of his (i.e. the author’s) small Midwestern apartment. “What do, or did, the Phillies need?”

“These types of things,” the author presumed (by way of deduction) Ruben Amaro would answer, before continuing as follows.

A Human Person
“A robot, or some sort of half-man, half-machine situation — if not expressly banned by the rules of baseball — is at least frowned upon pretty hard. What the Phillies don’t need is to be frowned upon. Michael Young, as a human person, helps us achieve that goal.”

A Former Marvin Miller Man of the Year
“That was important to us. Marvin Miller was a man of integrity, of vision, of persev… of persev… of sticktoitiveness. We needed someone with what I’d guess you call that ‘stamp of approval’ of having what Marvin Miller had. And we were thinking it’d probably have to be a Marvin Miller Man of the Year. I mean, we’re not a sexist organization; it’s just, there aren’t any women major-leaguers.”

Someone Represented by Dan Lozano
“Oh my God, have you ever met Dan Lozano before? Class. Act. Not a better guy to deal with. I actually get — this is embarrassing, a little — I actually get emotional just mentioning his name. If it weren’t a gross violation of human rights, I would advocate invading a country, murdering every last male member of that country, and then letting Dan Lozano sire every child henceforth. I swear, you go back there, like, 50 or 75 years later, there’s no way it’s not a modern-day utopia. No. Way.”

The 2005 AL Batting Champion
“Close your eyes. Now, imagine you’re not in 2012 anymore, but actually 2005… Got it? You there? Okay, now open your eyes… How do you feel? More relaxed, right? That’s what the Phillies needed. That’s what 2005 AL batting champion Michael Young gives us.”

A Not Enormous-Headed Third Baseman
“I loved Placido Polanco as a guy, but his custom-fitted hats were super expensive. His head is giant. Seriously. Wide around as a party pack of shrimp at Sam’s Club. You don’t consider that in your dollar-per-WAR calculations, I know, but ask anyone: he was costing us money. Michael Young has what the Phillies need — insofar, I mean, as his head is mostly normal-sized.”

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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