Until now, nobody knew this about me: on Mondays, I like to play a little game called “What Was Kent Hrbek Thinking/Smoking/Digesting?”
Won’t you play with me?
Materials for this game are readily available as, for some reason, Kent Hrbek’s life during and after baseball is well documented with candid photos, many of which appeared on baseball cards. Kent was just a photogenic guy. A single Google search might produce hours of fun, but I normally limit myself to one or two rounds of “What Was Kent Hrbek Thinking/Smoking/Digesting?” per Monday. You would be wise to do the same.
Here’s how to play:
Find an image of Kent Hrbek that you haven’t considered previously, open it in a separate browsing window, and enlarge the photo until it covers your entire screen as nearly as possible. Stare deeply. Try to achieve a state of mind wherein only you and Kent/picture of Kent exist. Ask yourself, out loud, “What was Kent Hrbek thinking, smoking, and/or digesting during the moment this photo was taken?”
Allow me to share a few of my own results with you:
Digesting: flax seed pancakes with real maple syrup.
Thinking: “Stupid doctors.”
Smoking: Cinderella 99.
Digesting: several pizzas.
Thinking: “Is that a dragon? Oh shit, no, that’s Kirby, just with scales.”
Smoking: White Widow.
Digesting: Four grapefruits that he thought were potatoes.
Thinking: “That camera looks like a baked potato.”
Eating: gristled moose fat.
Thinking: “Don’t swallow it all at once. Don’t swallow it all at once. Don’t swallow it all at once….”
Smoking: Blue God.
Thinking: “This gold is gold foil, right? And there’s chocolate underneath?”
Digesting: World Series trophy gold.
Thinking: “I break [from baseball] for gopher meat, LOLz.”
Digesting: delicious gopher meat.
Thinking: “Gurgle, gurgle.”
Smoking: Malawi Gold.
Digesting: Big Mac Happy Meal, including the toy.
Thinking: “Even from so far away the sun makes us warm.
I am going to be like the sun, some day. I am going to make us all warm.”
Digesting: 24oz sirloin smothered in A-1.
Thinking: “As soon as you look away I’m going to put frosting on this microphone and eat it.”
Smoking: Super Skunk.
Thinking: “This self-portrait would look better with a nice sepia wash.”
Digesting: raw beets.
Thinking: “Is that a dragon? Oh shit, no, that’s Kirby’s ghost!”
Digesting: several bad pizzas from last night.
Smoking: Grandaddy Purple.
Digesting: raw eggs and root beer.
Thinking: “If I don’t shart here, I’ll reward myself later.”
Hire Robert J. Baumann to live-blog your next birthday party, family reunion, or corporate event. You will not want to forget it soon.