What’s Dale Stashin’ in His ‘Stache?

Feelin’/lookin’ fine.

In the summertime — and when it’s baseball season, it’s summertime — Dale prefers to keep a good sweat-lather about him at all times. Keeps ‘im fresh. That’s where Dale’s moustache comes in. Well, Dale’s moustache comes into play a lot of places, if you catch Dale’s drift, which, it’s probably impossible not to.

Well, too, you can’t really call Dale’s moustache a moustache; it’s more’n that. Gatekeeper of Dale’s Face, call it. Sigourney effin’ Weaver in Ghostbusters, call it. Keeper of every secret you ever wanted to know; every phone number, too. Alyssa Milano? If you reached far enough inside Dale’s ‘stache, there’s a direct line to Alyssa Milano’s bedside phone. But that’s fer Dale’s use only.

Anyways, that’s not the only thing Dale’s got stashed up in the ol’ Gatekeeper. Got about a dozen tiny Icers in there, chillin’ in a tiny ice bed. If you see Dale sniff real hard on the mound? That’s Dale snortin’ a much needed Icer, from down in the chops, up through the lip-tickler, an’ straight to his brain. Whoo-boy, Dale! Got it goin’!

If Dale loses his sweat-lather, Dale gets a little fire going in the Gatekeeper’s firepit. If the lather starts to run too much, Dale summons someone from the line of Magdalene to pop out o’ the ol’ chops, dab his brow a bit. Gotta keep a balance — “for every Icer, a meatstuff; for every meatstuff, a toke; for every toke, a strikeout” Dale always says — that’s where the Gatekeeper comes in. The Great Equalizer, call it.

The Great Gatekeepalizer. #BOOM

Where’d that hashtag come from? You guessed it: Dale’s Fancy Hashtag Emporium, another little somethin’ Dale’s got stored in the ol’ moustache-‘n’-chops.

Yup, pretty much everything you can think of — snacks, parties, sunglasses, pancakes — it’s there, past the Great Gatekeepalizer, secure until ol’ Dale calls fer it. Right now, fer y’all, Dale’s called up this GIF-and-a-Tune, as is the style of NotGraphs. When in Rome, Dale drags a laurel head-thing and a jug-a-wine out of the ‘Keepalizer; when at NotGraphs, this:

Please Jiggle Responsibly

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You have no idea how eagerly I have been anticipating Dale’s return.


I bet I do! I asked for this in the Cashner post recently. What my team lacks in skill it sort of makes up for in Weird Pitcher Hair Growth.