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When Charlie Manuel Forged America

Young fans of base and ball are likely aware that Phillies manager Charlie Manuel is known colloquially as “Uncle History,” but they may not be aware of the endeavors that earned him that hallowed honorific. The reason is quite simple: Charlie Manuel wrote the fucking Constitution.

While the likes of Bobo Cistulli see that august document as nothing more than a user’s guide to the dole, land-owning Deist Charlie Manuel, its author and smith, saw it as nothing less than the Sperm of the Republic, which over a sprawl of nights and days in the Philadelphia State House in 1787, he sent headlong out of his probing phallus toward the Egg of Liberty.

Uncle History, Huge Daddy of Swaths — Thy name is Charlie Manuel.

A recent pilgrimage to the Smithsonian brought to waking life the most sacred creation stories of this, our sovereignty …

Thank you, Uncle History Charlie Manuel. Thank you for forging America.