“Where in the world is Carson Cistulli?”


That question, the question in the title, is what everyone is wondering these days who doesn’t have anything important to do. “We haven’t seen him around these pages for a whole week, and that’s not like him. Is he drunk?” No, but I understand why you’d think that.

“Is he too poor to pay for Internet anymore?” Another likely answer, but not the correct one.

“Has he been fired?” Regrettably, no.

“Is he dead?” Possibly; I can’t verify this one way or the other.

Of course, the reason I can’t verify that is because Carson, or at least his graceless corpse, currently is residing in Paris, France, which is the greatest of the Parises, narrowly eking out a victory over Paris, Texas, Paris Hilton, Plaster of Paris, and Paris of Troy. There, he is allegedly staying with his inexplicably lovely wife and is immersing himself in the French tongue (that sounds dirtier than I meant it). And this has apparently also been the week for his new surroundings to acclimate themselves to him.

While there, in addition to reviving the thoroughly stupid FranceGraphs, Cistulli will serve as an ambassador of sorts, bringing the goodwill of American baseball and sportswriting to the City of Lights, as you can read in the letter below:

Cistulli letter

Click on through to embiggen  your mind.

Always read the fine print.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman

6 Responses to ““Where in the world is Carson Cistulli?””

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  1. Hitler But Sadder says:

    I know Susan and this sounds just like her. I have every reason to believe this is an actual document written by Susan Slusser. Excellent journalism.

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    • Wobatus says:

      I like how she calls it the Mississipp, sans last i, honoring the vernacular pronunciation. Or maybe she just knows it from the number 1 hit, The Battle of New Orleans.

      In 1814 we took a little trip
      With Colonel Andy Jackson down the mighty Mississipp.

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  2. Resolution says:

    Ah! But if he leaves the BBWAA they no longer have any jurisdiction over his mustache!

    Vive la moustache!

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  3. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    I, for one, am glad that the BBWAA includes a comfort-grip pen on its letterhead. The ergonomic concerns of the members should be of foremost importance at all times.

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  4. Sammy Sooser says:

    “And this has apparently also been the week for his new surroundings to acclimate themselves to him.”

    I disagree with this statement. Cistulli has not moved to Communist Russia.

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  5. BenRevereDoesSteroids says:

    Two thoughts…

    1. How do you know he isn’t covering France’s Division Élite? The Rouen Huskies are actually starting European Cup play this weekend. They play Antwerp and Moscow (Its true, look it up.)

    2. I actually live pretty close to Paris, Texas. While I agree that it is close, I think that it edges out Paris, France. A city should be judged on its Eifel Tower, and I truely believe that Paris, Texas has the best Eifel Tower in the world. Behold: http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2071/2131423346_3c238e7447_z.jpg

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