Who Is MLB’s Krampus?
The Briefest of Krampus Primers
If you’re not a Christian from an Alpine country, you might not be familiar with the Krampus, a satyr-like (in some manifestations, “satyr-like” is a very euphemistic way of putting it) creature that, over time, became a counterpart to Jolly Olde Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus.
Hi, it’s me, the Krampus. Do you like my rumply boot-socks?
As you can imagine, the Krampus, a gourmet chef by trade, runs around tearing out the hearts of misbehaving children, sautéing said hearts in their own blood and the choicest demon spices, and trying to trick good children into eating the hearts thereby gaining their souls for Hell, too. Only those children able to resist such succulence are rewarded with presents from the Claus-dog. (Yes, I just called him the Claus-dog. Deal.)
I made that up about the Krampus. But it’s not too far off, really: the Krampus is one eff’d up mofo who has been depicted carrying a tub on his back in which to drown misbehaved children.
So, in a move that’s not meant to diminish or cramp the style of Dayn Perry’s awesome “Nickname Seeks Player” series (and I couldn’t do that even if I tried), I’d like to accept nominations from NotGraphs readers:
Which MLB personality most embodies the spirit of the Krampus?
Guidelines for Nomination
- • Does not have to be a contemporary player, nor does he/she/it have to be a player, nor do he/she/it have to be alive today, nor does he/she/it have to be human.
- • He/she/it should, in some way, be clearly connected to MLB.
- • Please post nominations in the comments section, to be arranged in a poll in the near future.
Further Krampus Considerations
- • The Krampus probably has a temper.
- • The Krampus instills fear in children everywhere, and in many adults, as well.
- • The Krampus might eat your face, genitals, or other body parts, or the face, genitals or other body parts of your children/brethren.
- • Assume that the Krampus does not smell nice.
- • The Krampus, at the bare minimum, brings you whatever you most wish to avoid, at the time when you were hoping to receive the things you most wish to have. At maximum, he tortures your family in front of you and tempts you to partake.
- • Feel free to assume that the Krampus has an unusual diet or unusual dietary restrictions (e.g. maybe he’s Armenian-children-intolerant).
- • The Krampus seems proud of its horns, and polishes them accordingly — possibly with blood, possibly its own blood or other bodily fluids.
- • The Krampus has a complicated past, sure, but he’s also possibly misrepresented by the media, generally misunderstood, or has been slandered by biased history books written by bitter elves who wish they were half as badass as the Krampus with his cloven hooves and rusty chains.
Any or all of these ideas — or any of your own — can be used to justify a nomination.
The person who nominates the MLB personality that goes on to win the title of MLB Krumpus will receive a one-of-a-kind collector’s card of said personality as Krumpus, Photoshopped and printed with great care by yours truly.
Enjoy!
The one and only answer here is Joe West.
JOE BUCK ALL THE WAY! seriously, just think about it, cmon. joe buck
Shane Victorino
Ty Cobb
A.j Burnett?
I fail to see how he’s terrifying at all.
You are obviously not a Yankees fan.
Randy Johnson. He killed a fucking bird.
The Krampus probably has a temper.
Antonio Alfonseca
The Krampus instills fear in children everywhere, and in many adults, as well.
Antonio Alfonseca
The Krampus might eat your face, genitals, or other body parts, or the face, genitals or other body parts of your children/brethren.
Antonio Alfonseca
Assume that the Krampus does not smell nice.
The Krampus, at the bare minimum, brings you whatever you most wish to avoid, at the time when you were hoping to receive the things you most wish to have. At maximum, he tortures your family in front of you and tempts you to partake.
Antonio Alfonseca
Feel free to assume that the Krampus has an unusual diet or unusual dietary restrictions (e.g. maybe he’s Armenian-children-intolerant).
Antonio Alfonseca (only eats goat)
The Krampus seems proud of its horns, and polishes them accordingly — possibly with blood, possibly its own blood or other bodily fluids.
Antonio Alfonseca
The Krampus has a complicated past, sure, but he’s also possibly misrepresented by the media, generally misunderstood, or has been slandered by biased history books written by bitter elves who wish they were half as badass as the Krampus with his cloven hooves and rusty chains.
Antonio Alfonseca
Lou Piniella
Milton Bradley
Milton Bradley.
Marge Schott
Wasn’t Rush Limbaugh tied tot the royals in the 80′s? Yeah, Rush Limbaugh
Vincente Padilla
Tony LaRussa.
Don’t believe me? Take this post down, replace “The Krampus” with “Tony LaRussa” and repost it on any baseball blog anywhere and everybody will think you are being serious.
never mind. It’s totally LaRussa
Ugueth Urbina
I reluctantly rescind my nomination of Randy Johnson in order to throw my weight behind the nominations of Alfonseca and Limbaugh.
Jerad Weaver. He ruins everyone’s fun and yells at them for doing things that annoy them. I also nominate Chris Carpenter.
Juan “El Nino Destructor” Francisco. He eats babies on the reg. Photographic evidence here:
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/child-eater-bern.883.large_slideshow-532×800.jpg
Scott Proctor
Carl Everett.
Obviously the temper, the aggravated assault, etc. But the key element here for Carl Everett is this:
The Krampus, at the bare minimum, brings you whatever you most wish to avoid, at the time when you were hoping to receive the things you most wish to have. At maximum, he tortures your family in front of you and tempts you to partake.
Carl Everett routinely showed enough flashes of brilliance before crushing the hopes and dreams of every team that acquired him. Observe: when the Astros traded him to the Red Sox in 1999 during his best season (6.1 WAR), he was welcomed with open arms by Boston fans. Then he got suspended for 10 games for bumping an umpire. Then he got fined for grabbing his crotch after socking a dinger off jolly old Jamie Moyer. Then he started all kinds of controversy with the Boston media over dinosaurs and whatnot.
Even in 2005, when he actually wins a World Series with the White Sox, he does so at the expense of Frank Thomas’ spot in the lineup.
This thing
http://espn.go.com/media/pg2/2001/0507/photo/s_phanatic_i.jpg
The new Marlins’ uniforms
UHH, Bud Selig….Hello
Casey McGehee. He’s obviously about to eat this child: http://onmilwaukee.com/images/articles/ca/caseymcgeheetalks/caseymcgeheetalks_story1.jpg
Surely Barry Bonds, John Rocker or Ty Cobb?
Marty Bergen -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marty_Bergen_(baseball)
Eric Byrnes. Or, possibly, Bud Selig.
Jeffrey Loria
Eric Surkamp. Don’t believe me? Just rescramble the letters in his last name to reveal his true identity.
And if I were to have the good fortune of receiving from Robert a Merry Krampus card featuring Eric Surkamp dressed as Krampus, I will gladly re-gift said Merry Krampus card to whomever forwards me a Merry Surkamp card featuring Krampus dressed as Eric Surkamp.
Bravo. I fully support this.
Travis Snider solely for breaking the bat over his knee.
me.
this really could go to any member of the mariner bullpen in the 90′s my top 3 would be bobby ayala, heathcliff slocumb, and bob wells.
1) John “muthaflippin’” Rocker
2) Marge Schott
3) Marge Schott
3a) Marge Schott
It has to be Milton Bradley.