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Who Is MLB’s Krampus?

The Briefest of Krampus Primers

If you’re not a Christian from an Alpine country, you might not be familiar with the Krampus, a satyr-like (in some manifestations, “satyr-like” is a very euphemistic way of putting it) creature that, over time, became a counterpart to Jolly Olde Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus.

Hi, it’s me, the Krampus. Do you like my rumply boot-socks?

As you can imagine, the Krampus, a gourmet chef by trade, runs around tearing out the hearts of misbehaving children, sautéing said hearts in their own blood and the choicest demon spices, and trying to trick good children into eating the hearts thereby gaining their souls for Hell, too. Only those children able to resist such succulence are rewarded with presents from the Claus-dog. (Yes, I just called him the Claus-dog. Deal.)

I made that up about the Krampus. But it’s not too far off, really: the Krampus is one eff’d up mofo who has been depicted carrying a tub on his back in which to drown misbehaved children.

So, in a move that’s not meant to diminish or cramp the style of Dayn Perry’s awesome “Nickname Seeks Player” series (and I couldn’t do that even if I tried), I’d like to accept nominations from NotGraphs readers:

Which MLB personality most embodies the spirit of the Krampus?

Guidelines for Nomination

Further Krampus Considerations

Any or all of these ideas — or any of your own — can be used to justify a nomination.

The person who nominates the MLB personality that goes on to win the title of MLB Krumpus will receive a one-of-a-kind collector’s card of said personality as Krumpus, Photoshopped and printed with great care by yours truly.