“Who’s On First,” 2013 Edition

ABBOTT

Hey, Costello, stop texting for a minute and listen. I’m going to New York with you. You know Terry Collins, the Mets manager for about another week or so, he gave me a job as social media coordinator for the team.

COSTELLO

I’m not texting, I’m tweeting. So if anyone should be the social media coordinator, it should probably be me. But, in any case, if you’re the social media coordinator, surely you must know all the players.

ABBOTT

I certainly do. Let’s see, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third is... I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO

Why would I care about your Wifi signal? I want to know the guy’s names.

ABBOTT

Exactly. Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third... I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO

Are you the social media coordinator?

ABBOTT

Yes.

COSTELLO

So you know the fellows’ names?

ABBOTT

I do.

COSTELLO

Well then who’s on first?

ABBOTT

Yes.

COSTELLO

I mean the fellow’s name.

ABBOTT

Who.

COSTELLO

OK, I’m just going to look this up on FanGraphs. Let me load the page... crap, I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT

Third base.

COSTELLO

What?

ABBOTT

No, he’s on second.

COSTELLO

Who’s on second?

ABBOTT

Who is on first!

COSTELLO

I’m asking YOU who’s on first. I would ask the Internet, but I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT

Third base!

COSTELLO

What?

ABBOTT

Second base!

COSTELLO

Who?

ABBOTT

Who is on first!

COSTELLO

That’s what I just typed into Google, but it won’t load because I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT

Third base!

COSTELLO

Stop saying that.

ABBOTT

I’m telling you, the guy on third base. I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO

Why do you care about the wifi signal? You’re not even using your phone.

ABBOTT

That’s the left fielder.

COSTELLO

Who’s the left fielder?

ABBOTT

No, Who’s on first.

COSTELLO

What?

ABBOTT

He’s on second.

COSTELLO

I wish I could just check this online, but I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT

Third base!

COSTELLO

Let’s try this a different way. If I showed you a picture of the team, and I pointed to the pitcher...

ABBOTT

Instagram.

COSTELLO

Oh, I don’t know-- what’s the difference? Instagram, Pinterest--

ABBOTT

The catcher.

COSTELLO

What?

ABBOTT

Second base.

COSTELLO

No, who’s the pitcher?

ABBOTT

No, who is on first. The pitcher? Instagram.

COSTELLO

Fine, there’s a picture of the pitcher on the Internet. Thrilling. I would tell you to show me, but I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT

Third base!

COSTELLO

I’m going to shoot you in the goddamned face.

ABBOTT

Oh, no, that’s the general manager.

(Thanks to this actual transcript of the real thing.)



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Tim
Guest
Tim

Excellent.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

ABBOTT

Hey, Costello, stop texting for a minute and listen. I’m going to New York with you. You know Terry Collins, the Mets manager for about another week or so, he gave me a job as social media coordinator for the team.

COSTELLO

I’m not texting, I’m tweeting. So if anyone should be the social media coordinator, it should probably be me. But, in any case, if you’re the social media coordinator, surely you must know all the players.

ABBOTT

I certainly do. Let’s see, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third is… I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO

Why would I care about your Wifi signal? I want to know the guy’s names.

ABBOTT

Exactly. Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third… I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO

Are you the social media coordinator?

ABBOTT

Yes.

COSTELLO

So you know the fellows’ names?

ABBOTT

I do.

COSTELLO

Well then who’s on first?

ABBOTT

You’re not going to believe this, but the player on first base has the last name ‘Who’ spelled W-H-O, just like the pronoun. A similar situation is that the man on second base has the last name ‘What’ spelled W-H-A-T. The man on third has a last name of ‘I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal’, I think he’s Greek.

COSTELLO

Word.

Fin

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

ABBOTT

Word’s in left field.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

21st century Plot Twist!

Hank
Guest
Hank

well that’s terrible

rcbuss
Guest
rcbuss

KITH reference much appreciated! I miss those guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDo4JeRsVE4

…and one of my favorites:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krHu4E65khA

chefraekwon
Guest
chefraekwon

Well, that’s just great, Seymour! We’ve been out here six seconds and you’ve already managed to blow the routine!

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

Raekwon reads Notgraphs. Yes!!!!!!!

Adam W
Guest
Adam W

sexless freak

Ryan Frazer
Guest
Ryan Frazer

Well done!

Greg W
Guest
Greg W

Bravo. So good.

Mac
Guest
Mac

Lost it at Instagram.

Ruki Motomiya
Member
Ruki Motomiya

Got some chuckles from me.

Spunky
Guest
Spunky

Great job, Jeremy!

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