Why Does the 2014 MLB Season Suddenly Feel Like 1794?

The usually-excellent Jonah Keri has a fine-looking piece I haven’t read yet over on Grantland making the case that the low batting averages and high strikeout rates this season are making 2014 feel like 1968.

I think he’s wrong. I think this season feels like 1794. Here’s why:

In 1794, the first session of the United States Senate was open to the public. In 2014, Astros games are also open to the public, although fewer people have noticed.

In 1794, Eli Whitney was granted a patent for the cotton gin. In 2014, baseball uniforms are made out of cotton.

In 1794, the Polish people overthrew the Russians in Warsaw. In 2014, Jeff Samardzija. Is he Polish? Czech?

In 1794, chemist Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. In 2014, Carlos Santana will be executed by guillotine IF HE DOESN’T START HITTING AGAIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM HE IS THE CORNERSTONE OF MY SCORESHEET TEAM WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IS HE BATTING .132?

In 1794, British troops captured Port-au-Prince in Haiti. In 2014, Sandy Alderson captured Bobby Abreu and Kyle Farnsworth and put them on a baseball field for the first time since 1946.

In 1794, Horatio Nelson lost the sight in his right eye in a British military operation at Calvi in Corsica. In 2014, Brian McCann lost his batting eye and stopped walking.

In 1794, the United States and Great Britain concluded the Jay Treaty, the basis for ten years of peaceful trade between the two nations. In 2014, the Mariners traded Hector Noesi to the Rangers, leading to Noesi pitching a horrible seven-run inning for the Rangers and peace between no one at all.

In 1794, coffee was forbidden by royal decree in Sweden. I think baseball is going to ban it soon too.

In 1794, the French Republic abolished slavery. In 2014, only Stephen Drew and Kendrys Morales are slaves.

My case has been made.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

8 Responses to “Why Does the 2014 MLB Season Suddenly Feel Like 1794?”

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  1. FishMonster says:

    Man… it’s like I’m living 1794 all over again.

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  2. Art Vandelay says:

    Thanks Wikipedia, for this wonderful article!

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  3. Robert Morris says:

    Also, America was having conflict with Russia over (Northwest) territory disputes. Sounds similar?

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  4. Urban Shocker says:

    Pretty sure Santana would miss the guillotine too at this point.

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  5. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    “leading to Noesi pitching a horrible seven-run inning for the Rangers”

    I was present for that inning. Almost none of the Rangers fans were. It was darkly funny in the manner of satire.

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  6. jruby says:

    In 1552, Bartolomeo Eustachi completes his Tabulae anatomicae, presenting his discoveries on the structure of the inner ear and heart, although, for fear of the Inquisition, it will not be published until 1714. In 2014, an unknown Fangraphs author completes his Tabulae pitchiframus, presenting his discoveries on the true value of pitch framing, although, for fear of the rise of automated umpiring, it will not be published until 2176.

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  7. Byrne says:

    I believe Samardzija is of Serbian descent.

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  8. Alamo Joe says:

    In 1794, the Whiskey Rebellion was crushed. In 2014, the Rangers take the 10-cent beer night idea to an extreme by introducing the ten-gallons-o-beer hat, fueling riots after their ill-advised “Whitney Houston Destruction Night” between games of a double-header.
    This results not only in a humiliating forfeit to the Astros in the nightcap, but worse, knocks the Rangers out of the Wild Card race, crushing their playoff hopes yet again. The win for the ‘Stros is their sole victory after the All-Star break, helping them to clinch yet another 1st-round draft pick.

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