Why Is No One Talking About Evan Gattis’s Twitter Avatar?

DISCLAIMER: I wrote 90% of this post last night, but by this morning, at least several people were talking about Evan Gattis’s Twitter avatar. None of them, however, provide the indispensable insights offered below.

By now, I’m sure that all of you know of Evan Gattis, his colorful path to the Majors, and his sledgehammer power.


“Is it surf-time yet, dude?”

Things that are awesome about this include: his hair; his ruddiness; the semantics of the ID itself.

First, the hair: The bad bleach job corroborates his story as a stoner/wanderer, but what I’m really taken by here is just how thin that shit is. It appears as though it’s reached its maximum length here. As a man whose hair began disappearing at age twenty, I know a head of waning hair when I see one, and it doesn’t look good for young Evan in that photo. Fast forward a few years (the below documentation is from last night’s game), and we see that Evan did lose significant hair, but that he has done the sensible thing: he has shaved his head. Bald is sexy, E-Gatt. Way to embrace it. (Please, no one call him E-Gatt ever again. I’m sorry I even said it.)


Notice the distinct partitioning of the Gattis Crown™. It is unique in nature, to be sure.

Regarding the ruddiness of young Evan’s cheeks: what does it bespeak? Hearty laughter? A delightful Jaeger-buzz? Nervousness from getting one’s ID photo taken for a new job? It’s impossible to know for certain, of course (unless we can ask Mr. Gattis himself), but I like to think it’s because he ran several blocks from a bustop to where he had to check in for his first day of work with Jan-Pro. And he was eating a Jimmy John’s “Vito” sub while doing so.

Finally, the semantics of the ID badge, which identify him as a “facilities services technician” that is part of a greater “cleaning system”: It’s a tired joke, maybe — coming up with euphemisms for “janitor.” But Jan-Pro is not joking. Jan-Pro employs various “Services Technicians” who can form a greater Cleaning System (not unlike a Voltron) that is capable of rendering spotless any facility, and then maintaining that spotlessness, but maim also the System is capable of severely maiming anyone who calls a Jan-Pro tech a “janitor.”




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yaboynate
Member
yaboynate
3 years 1 month ago

Sound the alarms! Sound all 5 alarms!

Matt Schindler
Guest
3 years 1 month ago

Why is no one talking about moving McCann to first base?

Brett
Guest
Brett
3 years 1 month ago

Freddie Freeman?

Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker
3 years 1 month ago

He’s going to second.

Bronnt
Member
Bronnt
3 years 1 month ago

I don’t know.

DC
Guest
DC
3 years 1 month ago

Third Base!

mattc
Guest
mattc
3 years 1 month ago

what were you worried about, Baumann? A delight as always!

TheFantasyPronk
Guest
3 years 1 month ago

I wonder if E-Gatt knows Jan Itor from Sacred Heart.

TheFantasyPronk
Guest
3 years 1 month ago

Also why does Chris Archer look both stoned and sleepy in his CBS mugshot?

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