“Why Not Us?”


From ESPN:

MINNEAPOLIS — “Why not us?”

That was the response from Twins general manager Terry Ryan on Sunday when informed the decision to sign free-agent Kendrys Morales to a one-year, $7.6 million deal was, well, very un-Twins like.

“Why not us? We’re a baseball team. We have players. We sign contracts. We have people at every position, just like all of the other teams. And we’re trying to win games. Sort of. I mean, we’re putting players on the field, and I’m sure they’re doing their very best, and sometimes the laws of random chance come out on our side and, odds be damned, we win a game or two. We’ve had success before with players we’ve signed. Ricky Nolasco, for example. Okay, not a great example. But an example nonetheless. Jason Kubel. Okay, again, not a great example. Well, we have some really up-and-coming talent here. Aaron Hicks. Okay, I’m going to stop with the examples. We have superstar Joe Mauer, having a, uh, having a year. That’s what everyone on the team is doing. Having a year. And maybe our years will somehow turn out to be better than enough people’s years that we accidentally end up in the playoffs. That’s why Kendrys is a fit. Because if we sneak into the playoffs, maybe by then he will be in playing shape and can lead us in a big celebration at home plate if we manage to ever score a run, and he can break his foot again, and then we’ll have the flexibility to call up anyone we want to replace him on the roster. So you ask why us? Because. Because why not us, and why shouldn’t we have as much of a right to sign a player of questionable value and no true position who hasn’t played in months and was probably going to be of negligible value anyway, especially since we already have Josh Willingham. That’s why us. And if he can pitch, too, then that’s even better, because Ricky Nolasco is not terribly good, and is mostly goodly terrible.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

13 Responses to ““Why Not Us?””

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  1. The Marlins says:

    We are not like other baseball teams. We do not try to win games.

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    I may be two bottles of Malbec into the evening but Casey Jansen just blew a two-run lead in the top of the ninth to these ‘having a year’ shitsacks and if the Jays lose this game I am personally going to puke and scream into the air, cursing you, Blachman, to some nether region of Hell.

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  3. Mr. Observant says:

    You got lucky, Law Boy….

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  4. Grant says:

    1-3 with a walk, not a bad first game back, with no rehab assignment at all.

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  5. Chris K says:

    WHY CAN’T US?!?!?!

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