Winter Meetings Recap

  • It does not look like it will be a homecoming for Tony Lazzeri, who is not being considered for the Yankees’ second base opening. Representatives for Lazzeri were unable to be reached, although Ken Rosenthal reported seeing them in the hotel lobby, having coffee with Dayton Moore and the ping-pong-headed mascot of the Jack In The Box chain of fast-food restaurants.
  • Ike Davis will be going to Japan. On vacation. He will reportedly be touring the Tsukiji Fish Market and eating at least three bowls of shio ramen.
  • In the Rule LXVIII draft of unprotected broadcasters, the Padres ended up with Fran Healy, who will now be doing the play-by-play on alternate Sunday afternoon games on SiriusXM radio.
  • The Red Sox agreed to terms with Billy, a new batboy, on a two-year deal, pending a physical by the team pediatrician.
  • The Washington Senators met with Scott Boras regarding Stephen Drew, but they don’t exist anymore, so there didn’t seem to be the makings of a deal. The two sides will continue the conversation next week over brunch.
  • The Rangers are expected to name Arnold Culliford as chief usher. Culliford’s son Chip sells hot dogs in the upper deck, and is reportedly seeking a three-year deal.
  • Johan Santana is drawing interest from six teams, fourteen orthopedic surgeons, and eight financial advisors. All will be watching him pitch, bend his knees, and check his balance at a local ATM.
  • Umpires are close to reaching a four-year deal on a new contract with the Florida State League. Anyone who can name any umpires in the Florida State League will automatically be eligible for the league pension, under the terms of the deal.
  • Was that former commissioner Happy Chandler enjoying the steak fajitas at a nearby Mexican restaurant? Probably not.
  • Bobby Valentine was said to be disappointed not to be considered for any of the zero remaining managerial openings, although he was seen in the lobby discussing the recent New York City mayoral election with Tim Bogar, Ruben Sierra, and an MLB Network associate producer.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

3 Responses to “Winter Meetings Recap”

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  1. SackJhit says:

    Washington Senators are also reported to be interested in acquiring former Nationals slugger Adam Dunn to play alongside Frank Howard. It is understood that the intention is to confuse opposing teams by anachronism and appearance. Other interpretations for a move include: “AWWW DA DINGAZ BIATCH!”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Ben says:

    Ryan Additon. Can I get that pension now?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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