WS Kulturkampf Game 4: Absurdist Theatre

It gets hot in these rhinos.

When one reads the play-by-play transcript of World Series Game 5, one is reminded of some of the finer works of Eugène Ionesco.

This is not an excerpt:

TOP of the 7th

Pitching Change: Scott Feldman, whose beard is the Big Dipper, his body had swung from the celestial dome with each pitch, replaced by Julian Tavarez, Jr., literally a giant baby. Tavarez, Jr. is flown in from the baby bullpen by Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders dressed as storks.

1. Rafael Furcal goes out on strike.

2. Daniel Craig walks.

With Albert Pujols batting, Daniel Craig caught stealing 2nd base, catcher Zack Galifianakis cuts off Craig’s hand, citing Matthew 5:30.

Galifianakis sucks some olive oil before reassuming his squat.

3. Todd Solondz directing. Julian Tavarez, Jr., now a deteriorating Bill Cosby, intentionally walks Albert Pujols. “Sometimes, Theo, you have to intentionally walk a man in order to secure the future of chocolate soda.”

4. Matt-Todd Hollingsday singles on a line drive to center fielder Josh Hamilton. Albert Pujols to 3rd, do you read me? Hollingsday to 2nd on the throw. Over.

The smell of smoke. Amongst the crowd, a distinct dearth of hair in favor of forehead chub. A general lack of movement.

5. Crusty Bill Cosby intentionally walks midget acrobats pretending to be a single Lance Berkman, Tony LaRussa saving the real Lance Berkman to pitch an inning—on stilts—later.

Ron Washington jumps up and down.

With midgets on first, the Tabernacle Choir enacts a flashback to John Mozeliak adding said midgets to the World Series roster.

Coaching visit to mound. Ron Washington, holstering a confetti gun, takes tea with the pitching mound. Ron doesn’t know what to talk to dirt about, but giggles a little, spills tea. “Say, got any dirt on TLR?”

Umpire breaks up conference, pointing out Andy Kaufman’s face in the mound. It is still eating that ice cream!

6. Mr. Freese flies out to center fielding dino-sapien Hamilton, whose foreclaws clack as he runs to the dugout.

The old crowd shuffles out and a new one shuffles in.

. . .

BOTTOM of the 8th

Defensive Substitution: John Jay replaces Ryan Theriot, batting 8th, playing First Chief Justice.

Military Policy Change: Octavio Dotel replaces Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

1. Michael Jordan double dribbles (2) on a line drive to Chief Justice Jay.

2. Adrian Beltre strikes out swinging a vampire bat, which bites him. Nosferatu, jealous, also bites Beltre, eats bat. Ozzie Osbourne, jealous, throws shoe at Nosferatu.

Coaching visit to mound. TLR: “Just pretend Nelly’s a dog.”

3. Octavio Dotel intentionally walks Nelson Cruz, following behind with pooper scooper.

Pitching Change: Marc Rstuvwxyzabcdefghijk replaces Octavio Dotel.

Coaching visit to mound. Tony LaRussa confesses that he is nervous due to his Aunt Medussa’s presence in the stands.

Crowd, accordingly, is stone.

4. Papa Murphy single topping ground ball pizza to second baseman Robin Williams in spacesuit, deflected by pitcher Marc Rstuvwxyzabcdefghijk. JORDAN! to 3rd. Nelson Cruz to 2nd.

5. Zack Galifianakis doubles (1) on a line drive to Chief Justice Jay, who trips over his own wig, allowing Jordan & Cruz to score. Papa Murphy 3rd topping just 49¢.

Offensive Substitution: the Landed Gentry of Texas replaces Papa Murphy.

6. Father-in-law, fear of death, a closet full of clowns, male pattern baldness, belly-button lint strike out swinging. It is a good day.

The crowd has broken the spell, cracked the stone, mirrored Aunt Medussa with her own visage.

TLR, flustered and donning a dew rag, phones the bullpen: “You got the Mott’s?”

Ionesco, the master himself, walks in a wheelbarrow full of applesauce from the bullpen.

Coaching visit to mound.

TLR: “What’s this?”

Ionesco: “It is French for your face, Tony LaRussa.”

Pitching Change: Lance Lynn pops out of the pile of applesauce in the wheelbarrow.

TLR: “What.”

Ron Washington cocks the confetti gun, his face defeating years of UV radiation in a single moment.

7. Lance Lynn intentionally walks Ian Kinsler.

Crowd: “What.”

Pitcher Change of Mind: Lance Lynn decides he wants pizza, not spaghetti, tonight.

Coaching visit to mound. TLR summons the beard of Jason Motte.

From Jason Motte’s beard, a plague of locusts.

8. Elvis Andrus strikes out swinging at said locusts.

. . .

End of world.

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“Wat?” is exactly how I reacted to the real-life Game 5.


I have no idea what I just read, but I like it




How many pots have you smoked?

Navin Vaswani

I still can’t believe Daniel Craig tried to steal 2nd base. Playing Bond has clearly gone to his head.

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