Whether you know it or not just yet, you are a devotee of the greatest of men. No, I’m not talking Wally Moon. I’m not talking about Dick Allen. I’m not even talking about Vin Scully. I am talking, dear friends, of Ron Swanson.
Swanson, the heavily-mustachioed dynamo whose presence elevates NBC’s Parks and Recreation from sublime to divine comedy, is equally skilled in woodworking, meat preparation, hoarding gold, saxamaphone, avoiding his job, and dispensing warm and sincere advice. His Pyramid of Greatness is not a mere suggestion. It is an essential way of life, if we are ever to save ourselves from ourselves.
And so it was with great enthusiasm this afternoon that I waded into a Twitter discussion spurred by Wendy Thurm about whether Ron Swanson would elect Jack Morris to the Hall of Fame on the basis of his mustache. My position, that Swanson would not respect Morris’ mustache given that it looked like an unkempt squirrel who came to rest and slowly aged on Black Jack’s upper lip, was not expressed. But my firm belief, that if Ron Swanson told us to we should immediately elect Jack Morris, was.
Indeed, it’s my belief that, not only should Ron Swanson’s position on Jack Morris carry the day, but his position on all baseball players should be considered sacrosanct. And it is in this spirit that I ask you to help me choose Ron Swanson’s Baseball Hall of Fame. The following is a list of nominees. Feel free to add your own in the comments. We shall show New Hampshire how democracy is done tomorrow when we vote on the candidates.
For Blatant Disdain For Unnecessary Rules and Regulations
The 1890s Baltimore Orioles
For Love of Meat and Scotch
David Wells (knowing glance to Marc Normandin)
For Unquenchable Iconoclasm
Dick Allen (Hostile Stare at the newly re-christened opportunist, SaberBoy)
For General Distrust of Authority
For Killing a Man In Cold Blood
Ladies and Gentlemen, the floor is now open for additional nominations, and seconds.