You Had Me at Meat Tornado
Whether you know it or not just yet, you are a devotee of the greatest of men. No, I’m not talking Wally Moon. I’m not talking about Dick Allen. I’m not even talking about Vin Scully. I am talking, dear friends, of Ron Swanson.
Swanson, the heavily-mustachioed dynamo whose presence elevates NBC’s Parks and Recreation from sublime to divine comedy, is equally skilled in woodworking, meat preparation, hoarding gold, saxamaphone, avoiding his job, and dispensing warm and sincere advice. His Pyramid of Greatness is not a mere suggestion. It is an essential way of life, if we are ever to save ourselves from ourselves.
And so it was with great enthusiasm this afternoon that I waded into a Twitter discussion spurred by Wendy Thurm about whether Ron Swanson would elect Jack Morris to the Hall of Fame on the basis of his mustache. My position, that Swanson would not respect Morris’ mustache given that it looked like an unkempt squirrel who came to rest and slowly aged on Black Jack’s upper lip, was not expressed. But my firm belief, that if Ron Swanson told us to we should immediately elect Jack Morris, was.
Indeed, it’s my belief that, not only should Ron Swanson’s position on Jack Morris carry the day, but his position on all baseball players should be considered sacrosanct. And it is in this spirit that I ask you to help me choose Ron Swanson’s Baseball Hall of Fame. The following is a list of nominees. Feel free to add your own in the comments. We shall show New Hampshire how democracy is done tomorrow when we vote on the candidates.
For Toughness
Cal Ripken
Lou Gehrig
Iron Man Joe McGinnity
Nolan Ryan (hat tip to Sean McNally)
Old Hoss Radbourn (no second hat tip to Sean McNally, as that would be awkward)
For Blatant Disdain For Unnecessary Rules and Regulations
Gaylord Perry
Jim Bunning
The 1890s Baltimore Orioles
For Love of Meat and Scotch
David Wells (knowing glance to Marc Normandin)
Billy Martin
For Nickname
Duke Snider
For Unquenchable Iconoclasm
R.A. Dickey
Dick Allen (Hostile Stare at the newly re-christened opportunist, SaberBoy)
For General Distrust of Authority
Luke Scott
For Killing a Man In Cold Blood
Carl Mays
Ladies and Gentlemen, the floor is now open for additional nominations, and seconds.
No Ty Cobb? He’d fit in half those categories.
Wade Boggs.
Randy Johnson.
Ty Cobb.
Pete Rose.
Keith Hernandez.
Gossage too perhaps? And sticking with the staches, Fingers?
Babe Ruth? For Love of Meat and Scotch (or Beer)
It seems like Albert Belle deserves to belong somewhere in this rogues gallery.
Sorry, but Hernandez’ shilling for mustache dye is an immediate disqualifier.
Hard to say, but Rose’ similar work for Vitalis in the ’70s would probably have the same effect.
Not to mention: Swanson’s love for Bob Knight suggests a healthy respect for a certain type of rule-following. Boggs (cork), Cobb (everything) , and Rose (gambling, perhaps cork) all cheated, in one way or another.
Rick Monday (Mustache, Acts Becoming A Great American)
Joe Schultz (Contributions to Managing Wisdom “Throw him low smoke and we’ll go pound some Budweiser” and Language “shxtfxck”)
Doc Ellis (Iconoclasm, LSD, and when he hit the first three batters intentionally.)
No conversation about throwing at guys whilst on drugs would be complete without a Pascual Perez reference…
Pascual Perez is my life coach
For toughness: Darryl Kile. Never missed a start in his career. The only thing that ever prevented him from taking the mound was death.
Stieb’s stache > Morris’ stache.
Stieb forever.
cobb and ellis 2nded
Blatant Disdain for Unnecessary Rules and Regulations: Dock fucking Ellis.
It looks like Swanson is an O’s fan.
Toughness: Ted “Double Duty” Radcliffe.
I think Ron Swanson would appreciate knuckleballers. That’s the pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps pitch, hands down. Tim Wakefield, Charlie Hough and the Niekros should be on this list.
A knuckleball is a pansy pitch. Real men throw fastballs. Hell, real men throw nothing but fastballs. Goose Gossage.
The eephus is the real pansy pitch. The knuckleball is just an eephus with a mind of its own.
You don’t understand the Tao of Swanson. He appreciates hard work above all else, and knuckleballers had to do a lot of that to stick around.
Also, I like to think he’d beat the tar out of AJ Pierzynski if afforded the opportunity.
Toughness HAS to include Thurman Munson.
i was going to say Munson but David beat me
Ugueth Urbina tried to kill some dudes too…just sayin.
I really don’t think Ron Swanson is down for murderers (Mays/Urbina) or bullies (Belle). His gruff exterior belies a kind heart. Just sayin.
That said, I’d like to second Rick Monday. Saving the American Flag from a bunch of dirty hippies? That is the stuff inner-circle Ron Swanson Hall of Famers are made of.
Just sayin’.
What about Jeff Baggwell and his eating of 30 pounds of meat daily.
Disregard for rules: Steve Carlton. All-time leader with 90 balks. Second-place balk issuer stopped at 45.
But yes, Dock Ellis. Dock Ellis.
Not all inductees need be players. As woodworking is very high on the pyramid, I believe Ron Swanson would want to honor Bud Hillerich, who used his skills to hand-craft his first baseball bat in 1884 for a local player who’d broken his bat the day before. Hillerich eventually transformed his father’s stair railing and porch column shop into the Louisville Slugger brand.
Shawn Chacon for killing a man.
This is hard to explain, but I forget his name…
The guy that did things like running from 1st to 3rd when the umpire wasn’t looking. He also declared himself in the game so he could step out of the dugout and catch a foul ball.
He played in the 1800s and found all sorts of loop holes & rules that could be exploited.
You’re thinking of King Kelly, himself the purveyor of a fine moustache
Yes, exactly. The Ron Swanson of his day.
Bill Veeck for sending a squat, Eddie Gaedel, to bat in a MLB game. And then Ron would elect the squat.
Earl Weaver, for reasons I’m sure I don’t need to explain.
Jamie Moyer (evenually) for stubbornly refusing to concede the battle against being really, really old.
Livan Hernandez (also eventually) for somehow continuing to get employed even though he’s the very very most hittable pitcher of all time.
Tim Raines because oh my god Ron Swanson would not be this obtuse.
John Kruk for his love of meat products and his appearance on Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Also John Kruk, for once telling a female fan, as he lounged against the rail smoking a cigarette, that he was “not an athlete, I’m a baseball player.”
Livan Hernandez did cross my mind. Especially if it’s true that he lets drug dealers operate out of the giant garage he keeps his luxury cars in.
Carlton Fisk for his stubbornness, disdain for communication with others he doesn’t want to deal with, and showing Deion Sanders his own Pyramid of How to Play Baseball, during a game nonetheless. And toughness.
Chipper Jones for his many, many illegitimate Hooters children.
Three Fingers Brown – because he pitched with three fingers!