You Had Me at Meat Tornado

Whether you know it or not just yet, you are a devotee of the greatest of men.  No, I’m not talking Wally Moon.  I’m not talking about Dick Allen.  I’m not even talking about Vin Scully.  I am talking, dear friends, of Ron Swanson.

Swanson, the heavily-mustachioed dynamo whose presence elevates NBC’s Parks and Recreation from sublime to divine comedy, is equally skilled in woodworking, meat preparation, hoarding gold, saxamaphone, avoiding his job, and dispensing warm and sincere advice.  His Pyramid of Greatness is not a mere suggestion.  It is an essential way of life, if we are ever to save ourselves from ourselves.

And so it was with great enthusiasm this afternoon that I waded into a Twitter discussion spurred by Wendy Thurm about whether Ron Swanson would elect Jack Morris to the Hall of Fame on the basis of his mustache.  My position, that Swanson would not respect Morris’ mustache given that it looked like an unkempt squirrel who came to rest and slowly aged on Black Jack’s upper lip, was not expressed.  But my firm belief, that if Ron Swanson told us to we should immediately elect Jack Morris, was.

Indeed, it’s my belief that, not only should Ron Swanson’s position on Jack Morris carry the day, but his position on all baseball players should be considered sacrosanct.  And it is in this spirit that I ask you to help me choose Ron Swanson’s Baseball Hall of Fame.  The following is a list of nominees.  Feel free to add your own in the comments.  We shall show New Hampshire how democracy is done tomorrow when we vote on the candidates.

For Toughness
Cal Ripken
Lou Gehrig
Iron Man Joe McGinnity
Nolan Ryan (hat tip to Sean McNally)
Old Hoss Radbourn (no second hat tip to Sean McNally, as that would be awkward)

For Blatant Disdain For Unnecessary Rules and Regulations
Gaylord Perry
Jim Bunning
The 1890s Baltimore Orioles

For Love of Meat and Scotch
David Wells (knowing glance to Marc Normandin)
Billy Martin

For Nickname
Duke Snider

For Unquenchable Iconoclasm
R.A. Dickey
Dick Allen (Hostile Stare at the newly re-christened opportunist, SaberBoy)

For General Distrust of Authority
Luke Scott

For Killing a Man In Cold Blood
Carl Mays

Ladies and Gentlemen, the floor is now open for additional nominations, and seconds.



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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


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DD
Guest
DD

No Ty Cobb? He’d fit in half those categories.

Yirmiyahu
Member

Wade Boggs.
Randy Johnson.
Ty Cobb.
Pete Rose.
Keith Hernandez.

DD
Guest
DD

Gossage too perhaps? And sticking with the staches, Fingers?

Mike J
Guest
Mike J

Babe Ruth? For Love of Meat and Scotch (or Beer)

JWO
Guest
JWO

It seems like Albert Belle deserves to belong somewhere in this rogues gallery.

DB Cooper
Guest
DB Cooper

Sorry, but Hernandez’ shilling for mustache dye is an immediate disqualifier.

Hard to say, but Rose’ similar work for Vitalis in the ’70s would probably have the same effect.

Not to mention: Swanson’s love for Bob Knight suggests a healthy respect for a certain type of rule-following. Boggs (cork), Cobb (everything) , and Rose (gambling, perhaps cork) all cheated, in one way or another.

Cris E
Guest
Cris E

Rick Monday (Mustache, Acts Becoming A Great American)

Joe Schultz (Contributions to Managing Wisdom “Throw him low smoke and we’ll go pound some Budweiser” and Language “shxtfxck”)

Doc Ellis (Iconoclasm, LSD, and when he hit the first three batters intentionally.)

orfo
Guest
orfo

No conversation about throwing at guys whilst on drugs would be complete without a Pascual Perez reference…

Erik Archer
Guest

Pascual Perez is my life coach

Atom
Guest
Atom

For toughness: Darryl Kile. Never missed a start in his career. The only thing that ever prevented him from taking the mound was death.

Navin Vaswani
Editor

Stieb’s stache > Morris’ stache.

Stieb forever.

chiefglockandhummer
Guest
chiefglockandhummer

cobb and ellis 2nded

Resolution
Member

Blatant Disdain for Unnecessary Rules and Regulations: Dock fucking Ellis.

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H

It looks like Swanson is an O’s fan.

olethros
Guest
olethros

Toughness: Ted “Double Duty” Radcliffe.

Steve
Guest
Steve

I think Ron Swanson would appreciate knuckleballers. That’s the pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps pitch, hands down. Tim Wakefield, Charlie Hough and the Niekros should be on this list.

Yirmiyahu
Member

A knuckleball is a pansy pitch. Real men throw fastballs. Hell, real men throw nothing but fastballs. Goose Gossage.

Bryz
Guest

The eephus is the real pansy pitch. The knuckleball is just an eephus with a mind of its own.

Steve
Guest
Steve

You don’t understand the Tao of Swanson. He appreciates hard work above all else, and knuckleballers had to do a lot of that to stick around.

Also, I like to think he’d beat the tar out of AJ Pierzynski if afforded the opportunity.

David
Guest
David

Toughness HAS to include Thurman Munson.

bowie
Guest
bowie

i was going to say Munson but David beat me

orfo
Guest
orfo

Ugueth Urbina tried to kill some dudes too…just sayin.

mkd
Guest
mkd

I really don’t think Ron Swanson is down for murderers (Mays/Urbina) or bullies (Belle). His gruff exterior belies a kind heart. Just sayin.

That said, I’d like to second Rick Monday. Saving the American Flag from a bunch of dirty hippies? That is the stuff inner-circle Ron Swanson Hall of Famers are made of.

jerkstore mike
Guest

Just sayin’.

gu03alum
Guest
gu03alum

What about Jeff Baggwell and his eating of 30 pounds of meat daily.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

Disregard for rules: Steve Carlton. All-time leader with 90 balks. Second-place balk issuer stopped at 45.

But yes, Dock Ellis. Dock Ellis.

Lukehart80
Guest
Lukehart80

Not all inductees need be players. As woodworking is very high on the pyramid, I believe Ron Swanson would want to honor Bud Hillerich, who used his skills to hand-craft his first baseball bat in 1884 for a local player who’d broken his bat the day before. Hillerich eventually transformed his father’s stair railing and porch column shop into the Louisville Slugger brand.

D
Guest
D

Shawn Chacon for killing a man.

Mike Luna
Guest

This is hard to explain, but I forget his name…

The guy that did things like running from 1st to 3rd when the umpire wasn’t looking. He also declared himself in the game so he could step out of the dugout and catch a foul ball.

He played in the 1800s and found all sorts of loop holes & rules that could be exploited.

PressPass
Guest
PressPass

Bill Veeck for sending a squat, Eddie Gaedel, to bat in a MLB game. And then Ron would elect the squat.

Darien
Member

Earl Weaver, for reasons I’m sure I don’t need to explain.

Jamie Moyer (evenually) for stubbornly refusing to concede the battle against being really, really old.

Livan Hernandez (also eventually) for somehow continuing to get employed even though he’s the very very most hittable pitcher of all time.

Tim Raines because oh my god Ron Swanson would not be this obtuse.

John Kruk for his love of meat products and his appearance on Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

olethros
Guest
olethros

Also John Kruk, for once telling a female fan, as he lounged against the rail smoking a cigarette, that he was “not an athlete, I’m a baseball player.”

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

Livan Hernandez did cross my mind. Especially if it’s true that he lets drug dealers operate out of the giant garage he keeps his luxury cars in.

Pudge Kuzlik
Guest
Pudge Kuzlik

Carlton Fisk for his stubbornness, disdain for communication with others he doesn’t want to deal with, and showing Deion Sanders his own Pyramid of How to Play Baseball, during a game nonetheless. And toughness.

Harry Palmz
Guest
Harry Palmz

Chipper Jones for his many, many illegitimate Hooters children.

MC
Guest
MC

Three Fingers Brown – because he pitched with three fingers!

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