You, Too, Can Be From Curacao

balentien

Any day now one of the most esteemed records in professional sports, the Japanese single-season home run mark, will be toppled by a man whose name nobody can pronounce. This seems to be a recurring problem with people from Wladimir Balentien’s native Curaçao. It is almost as though these people want to discourage immigrants through sheer linguistic perversity. Even if you can master the name of the country itself, you get there and you have to make friends with folks named Andrelton Simmons and Jair Jurrjens and Hensley Meulens and Jonathan Schoop. Scanning the names of some “famous” non-baseballing Curaçaoans only reinforces the suspicion: consider Riechedly Bazoer, Angelo Cijntje, and Ruelly Etienne-Winklaar. These are names that sound like regular names from around the world, if regular names were torn into pieces, put into a hat, shaken thoroughly, and reconstituted by small children.

Fortunately, this has irritated me enough that I have, through dogged effort, at last cracked the Curaçaoan code and deciphered the rules by which parents on this twisted island christen their offspring. I present it to you now, so that you, too, may have an authentic Curaçaoan name with which to torment your future acquaintances.

1. Begin with your own, existing, perfectly adequate name.
2. Remove one letter at random.
3. If your name contains an “s,” replace it with “sch.”
4. Insert one “j” or “w” in your name at a position of aesthetic felicity.
5. Select one of the following changes to make to your first name:
– Append either “elton” or “ickson.” If your name is one syllable, simply add the suffix to the end. If more than one, replace the final syllable, starting with its first vowel.
– Take the first consonant and the first vowel of the name and repeat it. E.g., “Brad” becomes “Baba.”
– Append either “ly” or “ley.”
6. Select one of the following changes to make to your last name:
– Append one of the following: “a,” “ius,” or “ens.”
– Take one vowel and double it. E.g., “Jones” becomes “Joones.”
7. If still dissatisfied, cut one syllable from either name and insert it randomly into the other.

My own Curaçaoan name is Matthelton Schmijtens. I expect to hear from you in the comments.




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Patrick Homer
Guest
Patrick Homer
3 years 16 days ago

Patrickson Hoomerjens

tz
Guest
tz
3 years 15 days ago

Note:

Mississippi Matt Smith = Mischschischschippelton Matthew Schmijtens

Jason Bay
Guest
Jason Bay
3 years 15 days ago

Jaja Wayens.

Think I have a second career making sitcoms on BET.

I don't care what the author
Guest
I don't care what the author
3 years 15 days ago

If we can go outside of baseball:

Lance Armstrong = Lala Arschtwrong

Mike Lowell
Guest
Mike Lowell
3 years 15 days ago

Mijkelton Lowellens

Evelyne
Guest
Evelyne
3 years 15 days ago

It is not completely correct, most of the time names of the children on our island are chosen by taking the name of the daddy and the mom and make a combination of these two names. But I like your way of analyzing things, I am going to try it with my own name and my children’s name,lol

jwbiii
Guest
jwbiii
3 years 15 days ago

I thought as much. I figured that when Rogearvin Bernadina was born, his parents tossed a coin: Heads, we name him my father, Roger (or Rogelio), tails we name him after your father, Arvin. The coin landed on edge in the sand and they decided that Rogearvin sounded better than Arvinger (or Arvingelio).

mickey
Guest
3 years 15 days ago

i am from curacao and the naming is nothing so dastardly or siniste
its much much whorse :-)
we are simply multi lingual average curacao inhabitant speak a minimum
of 2 languages fluently at the age of 8 and usualy 4 by 18
and it can go higher depending on your personal interest
surnames come from all over the world europe latin america mostly
and names have dutch american and native language papiamento influences to them .. I assure u those names are quite normal here and where not intended to frustrate anyone except maybe ur third grade teacher :-)

Sidney Ponson
Guest
Sidney Ponson
3 years 13 days ago

Hey, someone called me Fatjelton Arubnius.

JE
Guest
JE
3 years 16 days ago

Jakickson Miltonerly

Jeff Sullivan
Member
Member
3 years 16 days ago

Jeje Schujllivaan

Justin
Guest
Justin
3 years 16 days ago

Juschtickson Graay

Henry
Guest
Henry
3 years 16 days ago

hjenrleton drschcheel

for a name with an -sch- already in it, the replace an s with sch rule was particularly good

tz
Guest
tz
3 years 16 days ago

Where is Elmer Dessens from?

If not from Curaçao, he’d be Ewlmerley Deschschenschius.

Asmo
Guest
Asmo
3 years 16 days ago

Danjelton Weeschton

Stephen
Guest
Stephen
3 years 16 days ago

Schephelton Dj’Amiico

Jurickson Profar
Guest
Jurickson Profar
3 years 16 days ago

Jurickschonley Powfarens

A Troll
Guest
A Troll
3 years 12 days ago

If repeated:

Jurckjenschschchonlickson Powfaar

Harper Hill
Guest
Harper Hill
3 years 16 days ago

Hapjerly Hillens

Zach Reynolds
Member
3 years 16 days ago

I love this.
Zachrickson Wreynooldsch

ettin
Guest
ettin
3 years 16 days ago

Oobbicksningonly Cuunwhamius

Nevin
Guest
Nevin
3 years 16 days ago

Newilton Paattjens

Joelskil
Guest
Joelskil
3 years 16 days ago

Jowelienckson Koschens

Aaron
Guest
Aaron
3 years 16 days ago

Jar Jar Binks?

R2D2.1
Guest
R2D2.1
3 years 15 days ago

Jarjley Jar Bikschens

junny schoop
Guest
junny schoop
3 years 14 days ago

jar jar binks is from 3 or 4 generations ago, please keep it to this generation. and expect the comming generation to have even stranger names. like eg. andruwine jones if this guy names his daughter accordingly or juricksonsgirl profar ???

Georgina Foreman
Guest
Georgina Foreman
3 years 12 days ago

You guys are funny.

dfives
Guest
dfives
3 years 16 days ago

Wjadelton Baleenimirtien

Carson Cistulli
Admin
Member
3 years 16 days ago

Carjonickson Ciischtulli

Danny Salazar
Guest
Danny Salazar
3 years 15 days ago

Dada Saazaara

Corey Kluber
Guest
Corey Kluber
3 years 13 days ago

Coreyley Kujberius

Sean
Guest
3 years 16 days ago

Scheanilton Fjerrickson

I’m running with this

Kalinago
Guest
Kalinago
3 years 16 days ago

Beverly Sills

Stockhfcrx
Guest
Stockhfcrx
3 years 16 days ago

Dadamnelton Flewetens

Matt Smith
Guest
Matt Smith
3 years 16 days ago

Mamajhicksonly Schmithens

Jaschelton Kiid
Guest
Jaschelton Kiid
3 years 16 days ago

Jaschelton Kiid

Trip Somers
Guest
3 years 16 days ago

Tipickson Schjomeers

Samuel Rorabaugh
Guest
Samuel Rorabaugh
3 years 16 days ago

Schasamul Roraabaujgh

Adam Peterson
Guest
Adam Peterson
3 years 16 days ago

Admelton Pjeterschens

Rod Blunck
Guest
Rod Blunck
3 years 16 days ago

Rwodickson Bluunc

AJT
Guest
AJT
3 years 16 days ago

Anjelton Thomaaschonens

Lujelton Broown
Guest
Lujelton Broown
3 years 16 days ago

Lujelton Broown

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 16 days ago

Brickson Eijnhaartens

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 16 days ago

Alternately

Wewe-Beejrly Eglischhmaanius

mattc
Guest
mattc
3 years 16 days ago

Mattjelton Chischtmaanius

se1915
Guest
se1915
3 years 16 days ago

Schamuelickson Ewlodius

Kazuto Yamazaki
Member
3 years 16 days ago

Kaka Yaazjakiens

Varella
Guest
Varella
3 years 15 days ago

Hi
My name is Varella Carolina. I’m from curacao. Behold because Kaka means “shit” in Papiamentu, our native language.

Kaz Matsui
Guest
Kaz Matsui
3 years 15 days ago

Kaka Matschuiius

junny schoop
Guest
3 years 14 days ago

i was just going to warn you but now i’m too late. behold to curse offspring or yourself in your own name, the rules here have exceptions.

Josh WIlson
Guest
Josh WIlson
3 years 16 days ago

Jjoschhley Wilonius

Dadajelton
Guest
Dadajelton
3 years 16 days ago

Dadajelton Roobelesch

Joe
Guest
Joe
3 years 16 days ago

Jojoe Mjoogord

Big Bucks Bonilla
Guest
Big Bucks Bonilla
3 years 16 days ago

Wlaeickson Riizzardini

Marco Esposito
Guest
Marco Esposito
3 years 16 days ago

Pomarickson Essitens.

Eno Sarris
Guest
3 years 16 days ago

Enilton Schaanorius… Like my regular name, with a touch of claass.

ElJosharino
Member
ElJosharino
3 years 15 days ago

Now pronounce it.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
3 years 16 days ago

Dayn Perry

Wendy Thurm
Member
Member
3 years 16 days ago

Wejelton Twurmius

Nukewhales
Guest
Nukewhales
3 years 16 days ago

Bljanelton Broowna

Jason
Guest
Jason
3 years 16 days ago

Jaschickson Lewens

Craig Robinson
Guest
Craig Robinson
3 years 16 days ago

Craigley Robijschoon

Terrible Ted
Guest
Terrible Ted
3 years 16 days ago

Wyelton Gjraay

Kate Morrison
Guest
Kate Morrison
3 years 16 days ago

Kajtely Morischoon

Andrew Fisher
Guest
Andrew Fisher
3 years 16 days ago

Anjrelton Fischens

RC
Guest
RC
3 years 16 days ago

Rojickson Cunninghius

junny schoop
Guest
junny schoop
3 years 14 days ago

next generation women will love your male offspring.
cunil…..

Tim Lycurgus
Guest
Tim Lycurgus
3 years 16 days ago

TIti Lycuujgusch

Ben Duronio
Member
Member
Ben Duronio
3 years 16 days ago

Benelton Durniijoens

Juan
Guest
Juan
3 years 16 days ago

Janickson Agagaley

Tybalt
Guest
Tybalt
3 years 16 days ago

Curgelton Railjayens.

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