Young Ryan Theriot

The name on Young Ryan Theriot’s fake ID reads, “Fraternity Paddle Made Man.”

“Are you the quarterback?” Angel Boudreux once asked Young Ryan Theriot. No, I play baseball, Young Ryan Theriot started to say. But he stopped himself. “Yes, I am the quarterback,” Young Ryan Theriot uttered instead. “I am the quarterback of your panties.” This simple statement of unassailable fact is now carved into courthouse edifices all over Louisiana.

Every time Young Ryan Theriot makes a band geek cry — usually by frog-punching him until he voluntarily climbs into the dumpster outside the cafeteria — his Eddie Bauer rugby grows a new stripe.

If Young Ryan Theriot isn’t under the bra by the fourth track of Better Than Ezra’s “Deluxe” LP, then Young Ryan Theriot knows he needs to try something different.

Young Ryan Theriot is not most alive when playing baseball. No, Young Ryan Theriot is most alive when he’s at the wheel of his Bronco II with a Bud Light freshly shoved into his SeƱor Frog’s coozie and doing donuts in some poindexter’s front yard.

Young Ryan Theriot derives momentary uplift from chucking his empties onto the stretch of highway that, in the service of avoiding double-secret probation, pledges have been volunteered to clean up for the remainder of history.

Young Ryan Theriot’s buddies know better than to mention that night on South Padre. If they do, he’ll frog the shit out of them.

At the outset of any party, Young Ryan Theriot picks out the exact patch of drywall that he will later punch when Melissa Arsenault’s Catholic boundaries prove stronger than his rituals of dirty suasion.

Every five weeks or so, Young Ryan Theriot goes to the Regis Salon at the mall. Once there, Young Ryan Theriot surveys the stylist’s rack, slackens himself into the chair and says, “Make me look like conformity veneered with trouble.” She does. She does because he is.

(HT: Our boy Kyle)




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Steve Holt
Guest
Steve Holt
3 years 8 months ago

STEVE HOLT!

Chris Cwik
Member
Member
3 years 8 months ago

Young Ryan Theriot looks quite a bit like Walter Jr. from Breaking Bad?

dbake005
Member
dbake005
3 years 8 months ago

First thing I thought of.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 8 months ago

Unfortunately, the first thing I thought of was Steve Holt, as shown above. I’d contend that his facial structure is Walter Jr.’s but the rest of him, including hair, is Steve Holt. Imagine this man in a varsity jacket.

Also, Ryan Theriot is a bastard and doesn’t even know who his father is.

Navin Vaswani
Editor
3 years 8 months ago

I see America.

John
Guest
John
3 years 8 months ago

Yeah this is a pretty terrible attempt at humor.

Choo
Member
3 years 8 months ago

It’s not Dayn’s fault if Young Ryan Theriot finds humor in frogging the shit out of your humerus.

Danny Knobgobbler
Guest
Danny Knobgobbler
3 years 8 months ago

Or a spot-on depiction of a ubiquitous suburban archetype, circa late 80s/early 90s. I guess you had to be there. Well played, errand boy.

Byrne
Guest
Byrne
3 years 8 months ago

incorrect

John
Guest
John
3 years 8 months ago

Yeah, you guys aren’t funny either. Your pathetic attempt at wit is disgraceful.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
3 years 8 months ago

Trust me, that night was surely in Destin rather than South Padre.

bowie
Member
bowie
3 years 8 months ago

Young Ryan Theriot is every guy I played HS ball with.

steve holm
Guest
steve holm
3 years 8 months ago

Steve holm!

eye blinking
Guest
eye blinking
3 years 8 months ago

is it just me, or does he look like the collegiate version of dave cameron that is programmed to blink?

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