Young Troy Tulowitzki

I first saw this photo at Deadspin. Maybe you did, too.

Young Troy Tulowitzki wants candy. He wants a skateboard with orange not purple wheels and he wants, oh, a huge dragon decal on the underside of the skateboard and then he wants a soda. He promises to brush his teeth very a lot. Soda.

The expression “business up front; party in the back” means very little to Young Troy Tulowitzki — not because he is too young to know what that means, but because he is in the business of partying. He parties with the Ninja Turtles of his mind. Sometimes he calls them “Inja Turtles” and he doesn’t know why but he laughs every time he says it. He likes Splinter the best; even though Splinter isn’t a turtle he is an inja [heehehe] and he is their father. Cowabunga, dudes!

Young Troy Tulowitzki also likes classmates’ birthday parties because ice cream cake.

Young Troy Tulowitzki has figured out that if he puts one hand on his forehead when his mom hairsprays his spikes then his forehead won’t be shiny and sticky from the hairspray and then Galinda Jefferson won’t laugh at him at recess. Galinda Jefferson is not his girlfriend, shut up! She isn’t! Shut up!

Yes, Young Troy Tulowitzki picked out this tie. It doubles as an Inja Turtle mask.

What does Young Troy Tulowitzki want to be when he grows up? A ninja guy at night, and a baseball guy during the day. Or if he has to play baseball really late one night, he will be a day ninja that day. His best friend will be Vanilla Ice.

Young Troy Tulowitzki, for all his worldly fashion, possesses the kind of happiness that one possesses when one is insulated from all manner of worry. The insulation that is, for Young Tulo, provided by the proverbial coiffures of youth and darlingness, will give way to the insulation of focused greatness for Adolescent and Adult Troy Tulowitzki.

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5 Responses to “Young Troy Tulowitzki”

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  1. *applause*
    *applause for everything*

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    • ettin says:

      Young Troy Tulowitski likes to explode out of the batter’s box… His explosive of choice? T(M)NT of course.

      Well done Mr. Baumann!

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  2. Fletch says:

    Much thanks for the vanilla ice link, it tops this article off nicely. Like a splash of syrah following a nice bite of ribeye, perhaps.

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  3. Youthful Enthusiast says:

    Young Troy Tulowitzki ties his shoelaces in a triple knot because who has time in the middle of recess to stop an tie their shoes.

    Young Troy Tulowitzki once stayed out all night to keep one of his siblings from tagging him “it” while he slept.

    Young Troy Tulowitzki wants to know if you’re going to eat that lollipop on the end table. You’re not? Can I have it? Yeah, my parents won’t mind. Thanks, do you have any other candy?

    Young Troy Tulowitzki’s bedtime may be 8:00 PM on a school night and 8:30 PM the weekend, but that doesn’t mean he shuts it down for the night. That’s when the secret Inja Turtle missions in his mind begin. He once stayed up past midnight on this one super awesome mission where Splinter was kidnapped and the Turtles had to…

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  4. Mr. Observant says:

    Young Troy Tulowitzki was clearly fathered by a youngish and frisky Billy Ray Cyrus, if one judges solely by the science of Hairology.

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