If you give Roger Clemens a steroid

In 1985, Laura Joffe Numeroff wrote a wonderful children’s book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. The simple act of giving a mouse a cookie took a young boy on many adventures, which have entertained millions of children. Had she known about Roger Clemens in 1985, her now classic tale might have gone like this:

If you give Roger Clemens a steroid,
he’s going to ask you to understand.
When you tell him you understand,
he’ll probably ask you to keep quiet.
When he’s finished, he’ll ask you to clean it up.
Then he’ll want to look in the mirror
to make sure he has fame.
When he looks in the mirror,
he might notice he needs more power.
So he’ll probably ask you for a different vitamin supplement.
When he’s finished giving himself the new steroids,
he’ll want a broom to sweep it up.
He’ll start sweeping.
He might get carried away and sweep every aspect of his life.
He may end up lying under oath as well.
When he’s done,
he’ll probably want to hide.
You’ll have to fix up the mess he’s brought you into, with lies and cover ups.
He’ll ignore you,
make himself comfortable and try to come back a few times.
He’ll probably ask you to keep lying.
So you’ll read some statements to important people,
and he’ll ask you one day to show the proof.
When he looks at the proof,
he’ll get so upset he’ll want to harm you any way he can.
So he’ll ask for paper and lawyers.
He’ll pay the lawyers to draw a picture.
When the picture is finished, he’ll want to make sure his name is cleared.
With a pen.
Then he’ll want to hang his triumph on your refrigerator.
Which means he’ll need you to fall.
Looking at the refrigerator will remind him that
He can get away with anything.
he’ll ask for everyone to understand.
And chances are if he asks everyone to understand,
he’s going to want forgetting about the steroids to go with it.

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6 Comments on "If you give Roger Clemens a steroid"

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Dave Studeman
Dave Studeman

Too funny, Anna.  Of course, you’ve now ruined that book for me forever.

Anna McDonald
Anna McDonald

I’m sorry about that, to recompense may I suggest, If You Give a Moose a Muffin, or If You Give a Pig a Pancake.


very nicely done, ma’am.


Love it!! This man is unbelievable—excuse me for my very unlady-like response to him, but he makes me want to spit in his face!!  This man clearly has no conscience and thinks he is above all!  I think you should mail him a copy of your story Anna!!

Heather Bauer
Heather Bauer

What a creative take on the famous children’s book and the sad trail of choices of Clemens.  Thanks Anna!

Jeffrey Gross
Jeffrey Gross

Anna, you are one of my favorites. Hahahahaha