Archive for October, 2011

Photo: Beauty and Brains

No, this is not a post about, and nor will you see a photograph below of, Tony La Russa. You’re sick.

The best part? She’s not lying: I don’t see a ring.

It gets better: This photo was taken at game six. Game frigging six. Obviously she made the right decision.

And shout out to her soon-to-be husband for even putting a World Series game on the table, as a viable option to an engagement ring. That’s love.

I’d credit the image appropriately, but I found it on Tumblr. Let’s just thank the Internet.


The Other Use for the Internet Besides Pornography


Not, not, not, not, not pornography.

Beyond its propensity for killing cats, curiosity has other virtues, as well — namely, in that, by placing our trust in it, we’re led effortlessly to our respective vocations and become the people we’re meant to be.

Does that idea sound Emersonian to you? Shut up, it is.

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Rick Jones, Tragic Experiment Gone Awry

Back in the well-chronicled day, it was common for the Topps Chewing Gum Company to take photographs of baseball players in spring training, usually by camping outside Peoria’s only Sizzler steakhouse.  If said professionals were traded before their cards were released, Topps would simply break out the acrylics and airbrush a new logo on the cap.  Only trained professionals with jeweler’s loupes could tell the difference.

Drunk with power, the Topps executives decided to take this even further, by creating Rick Jones.  The plan was simple: using state-of-the-art Apple II computing technology, the company was able to create an amalgam of every single ballplayer in history.  They conjured up random statistics, including a solid 2.11 ERA at Winston-Salem.  They then slapped on a cascading waterfall of brown hair, a touch of neck-high chest hair for added virility, and as the piece-de-resistance, they added him to the Mariners roster.  Most regions of the country were not yet aware that Seattle even had a baseball team, much less who actually played for the team, and so the addition went unnoticed.

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Win a Date With C.J. Wilson!

Swoon.  C.J. Wilson is a free agent, and although not the prettiest girl at the dance (figuratively of course!) he is sure to have his fair share of sugar daddies vying for his services.  Where’s he going to end up? Straight from the (work)horse’s mouth, in an interview with ESPN Dallas last week:

“At some point you need to be made to feel special. If you have a wife or a girlfriend – or both, some people like to party – and you don’t make them feel special, eventually they feel neglected and they feel left out and like they’re not part of the party. So Texas is going to have their chance to do that obviously after the World Series is over, and we’ll go from there.”

Okay, so he needs to feel it.  I dig – I mean, who doesn’t want to feel special?  Who doesn’t want to party?!  Now, if only there was a video of some sort where C.J. Wilson talks about his perfect suitor.  If only…

Cut to some Yankee’s intern getting sent to the New York public library to find out everything he can about film noir. “Did you know that The Killers is an adaptation of a Hemingway short story?  Isn’t Chinatown great?  What do you think of the Coens’ work is more a tribute or a challenge to the form?”

The Bachelor, starring C.J. Wilson, Monday’s at 8, on NBC.


Fantasy Mailbag: Rejected Questions

Q: Please rank the following players: Aardsma, Abad, Abreu, Abreu, Accardo, Aceves, Ackley, Acosta, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams…

Q: I’m in a keeper league with my kids. My son just turned 7 and his estimated cost is going to be about $24,000, including private school. My 2-year-old daughter — too young for school — is only going to cost about $2,500. But obviously she’s going to be less productive. I can’t quite fit them both into my budget, so I’m wondering which one I should cut. The easy answer is my son, but since he’s been on my team for so long, I feel some ridiculous sense of loyalty. The other thing is that his cost is likely to stabilize over the next few years, while my daughter’s cost will definitely go up — and I’m not yet sure if she’s going to be worth it. At least with my son, by this point I have a good sense of what he is. But that’s the problem with young players, right? Advice?

Q: My league just added cholesterol to our categories — any ETA on when we can expect that up on the site?

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Cruz Missile, Exemplar of Genre

You may recall that in this beloved space we have previously regaled you with tales of the Cruz Missile. And on this day I am pleased to inform you that the Cruz Missile is back, and this time his glory is both boundless and without bound. How boundless? So boundless that it’s too large for me to embed. In what other ways does WordPress hate freedom? I intend to find out and then file a breathless dispatch on the matter. Nonetheless, please do click the above link — wait, here it is again! — and luxuriate in its wonders.

And since every post needs some kind of visual hook, my hope is that this will meet the needs of the Internetting Gentleman:


Freese! Or I Will Something Something Pun

I am wagering you, dear reader, just read the above caption in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice.

Do not worry, such is only normal when face-to-monitor-to-face with Arnold’s acting majesty. From his treasure trove of a film archive, most critics agree that A. Schwarzenegger’s best on-screen performance was as the baby-toting lead in Junior, but his second-best feat of ACTING was no doubt his risky portrayal of Mr. Freeze in one of the batman movies oh who really gives a crap.

Well, little-beknownst to, y’know, everyone, Mr. Freeze is in fact the real-life father of base-baller David Freese, who’s unimaginable Game 6 heroics in the 2011 World Series not only amazed a nation (America) and sickened a sub-nation (Texas), but also no-doubt earned the highest marks from his fictional real-life father.

Now, the government removed the cameras I had stowed in Mr. Freeze’s home office, or something, so we are left to our imagination-bones to try to figure out what his immediate reaction was / would have been ’twere he not one of the worst fake super-villains of all time.


Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

A multitude of thanks to Brian S for the idea, the image, and one of the poll questions. Consider me merely a conduit of his genius.


TLDR: Celebrating Losing

The headline from The Associated Press reads: “No fan rally planned for Texas Rangers this year.” Last October, the Rangers were lovable losers. This October, they’re heartbreakers; failures. Now I’m no Texas supporter, but I can’t help but feel for the Rangers. What a way to lose. I’d prefer it if there was another fan rally.

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GIF: Octavio “Stinkface” Dotel

Because a dumb Dolphins-Giants game is the only sporting event of any note this early Sunday afternoon, you’ll no doubt have a moment in your schedule to reflect on the following GIF, which depicts the most important part of Cardinal reliever Octavio Dotel’s seventh-inning Game Seven strikeout of Ian Kinsler.


The Many Faces of Nolan Ryan

Not for nothing is Nolan Ryan known as “the William H. Macy of principal owners of major-league franchises.” Nor was his emotional range on display more conspicuously than during the late innings of Friday night’s World Series Game Seven.

From irascible:

To world-weary:

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