Archive for November, 2011

Video: Jose Valverde Has Body, Rocks Party

It’s common practice for one, when dancing, to shake what his mama gave him. If the video here — from a Detroit-area benefit held in August — is any indication, Tiger reliever Jose Valverde is the sort to shake not only what his mama gave him, but also quite a bit of what he’s given himself courtesy a diet rich in lipids.

Choreographed dance handshake for Jeff Zimmerman and, it appears, Twitter-er RationalSport.


Billy the Marlin Is Rather Gauche

For as long as anyone can remember, Billy the Marlin has been the standard bearer for men’s fashion. However, as you will soon see, this is no longer the case. Bear chagrined witness:

The billowy moo moo of a shirt; the black clod-hoppers wedged onto his stupefied, bloated fish feet; the desecrating Zubaz pants — they add up to the clowning of a once-proud fish-man. Based on appearances — and nothing should ever be based on anything but appearances — we are forced to assume that Billy the Marlin is now an asshole who needs angioplasty.

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

(Thanks or something like it to Eye on Baseball)


A Tweet by Rich Thompson, Illustrated

Today in Tweets Illustrated Literally, Rich Thompson of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim is outraged and self-censoring.


click to enlarge

Heh.


Baseball Prank Lesson #1: Dramatic Irony

Dramatic Irony (n.) – irony that is inherent in speeches or a situation of a drama and is understood by the audience but not grasped by the characters in the play.

Here’s to you and your humanity Mike Bordick.

It’s like that old adage says: “Some days you play the trumpet, whilst other days Jay Johnstone plays you.”


Video: Harry Caray vs. English

Watch and listen as Harry Caray (né Carabina), much like a male lion of the African savanna, chases English down, pins it beneath his ample frame, and makes quick, purposeful love to it.

Also like a male lion of the African savanna, Harry Caray is drunk.


Romance Tips from Yu Darvish

Yu Darvish, like most Great Men of History, is going through a healthful and replenishing divorce. The soon-to-be discarded is a young thespian named Saeko:

As you can see, Saeko, whose name, one assumes, is a homophone to the brand identity of those stylish and durable wrist timepieces, is rather very lovely and possibly even talented. But loveliness cannot overcome a gentleman’s introduction to the world! As Jeff Passan reminds us, Mr. Darvish, insofar as this relationship is concerned, set the proper tone and established the relevant harbingers back in 2007:

Following a victory last season, Yu Darvish, the winning pitcher for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, stood in front of a microphone inside a packed stadium, thanked his teammates and fans for their support, and announced that he had knocked up an actress who he met three months earlier and would marry her to preserve his family’s name.

For too long, we have regarded premarital liturgies as things to woo and reassure. As Mr. Darvish reminds us, they are and should have always been a means to forewarn, harrow and ideally ruin the better, deadlier and more treacherous half.

So, married NotGraphs readers, please go and tell your wives you are leaving forever.

(Shotgun Hat Tip: BTF)


A Bolder Powder Blue

The Kansas City Royals are making some changes to their uniforms this upcoming season. You can read about them all here, but there is one change which particularly interests me:

Changes to the alternate home “powder blue” uniforms:
• Jersey will feature a new bolder powder blue color that better represents the original powder blue color of our historic past.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t know how much bolder powder blue can get, then, well, powder blue. Honestly, I don’t know if the world can take much more bold than this.

Maybe it’s something like this:

Powder Blue
Powder Blue

Whatever it is, the Royals brass should be careful. Too bold of a powder blue could have an utterly disastrous effect on the Kansas City area, much less the world.


SCOOP: Footage Of Jonathan Papelbon Negotiations

Our sources have released yet-seen footage of the Jonathan Papelbon negotiations with the Philadelphia Phillies GM, Ruben Amaro Jr. It cost many lives to retrieve this information:

Many thanks for the share belong to reader M. Santaspirt — no, that’s too obvious — Matthew S.


A Dozen Important Jamie Quirk Facts

That cheering you heard yesterday afternoon was my enthusiastic endorsement of the offer that was bringing one James Tiberius Patrick Quirk from Houston to become the bench coach for the Chicago Cubs.  What follows is a non-exhaustive and only partially untrue list of facts regarding Jamie Quirk, which should give you great joy:

1) Jamie Quirk was drafted in the first round of the 1972 draft by the Kansas City Royals, a full 35 spots before Gary Carter.  Then again, Jamie Quirk was drafted as a shortstop.

2) Jamie Quirk once high-fived Steve Balboni and the resulting explosion killed 4/5 of Kansas City’s population, turning it into a small market city.

3) Jamie Quirk is 6’4″ tall, and is tied for the 5th tallest player to catch more than 500 games.

4) Jamie Quirk never caught a game as a professional baseball player until he was 24 years old, and had already been in the Major Leagues for four seasons.  He ended up playing roughly five times as many games there as any other position.

5) Jamie Quirk is his own wingman.

6) Jamie Quirk played for eighteen seasons, and was worth more than one win above replacement in exactly two of them.

7) Jamie Quirk sired many beautiful babies all across this great land, but mostly during a five-game series in Montreal in 1983. That the Expos moved to Washington in 2003 is the only reason he’s agreed to return to coach in the National League.

8) Until Carlos Quentin came along, Jamie Quirk was the all time leader in home runs by a person whose name started with the letter Q.  Do with that information what you will.

9) Jamie Quirk ate chicken and drank beer in the clubhouse all the time, and no one cared. It’s not like they were going to put him in the game.

10) Jamie Quirk was allowed exactly one at bat with the Cleveland Indians franchise. In that at bat, he hit a walk-off homerun off of the bespectacled and mustachioed Ron Davis.  Afraid that Quirk might prove to be too great a competitive advantage, the Indians released him after the season.

11) Jamie Quirk was traded to the Brewers after 1976 with two other players for Darrell Porter, who lasted four years with the Royals and fetched a compensation pick for the club when he left as a free agent after 1980.  The Royals used that pick on Mark Gubicza, who was eventually traded for one year of Chili Davis.  The Royals got 65.6 WAR out of that deal over the next twenty-one seasons AND re-signed Jamie Quirk to his second of three stints as a Royal when he became a Free Agent after the season.

12) Jamie Quirk played from when he was 20 years old to when he was 37. Eighteen seasons.  In which he played in an average of less than 54 games played per season.  I wish I was a backup catcher.  God bless you, Jamie Quirk.  You’re living the dream for all of us.


The Belly, It Bobbles

Recently, abiding reader jcxy floated a Sketchy Internet Rumor of a Rich Garces bobble-belly. Needless to say, upon hearing said rumor the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team sprung to handsome action. After 12 or so tense seconds of Computer Googling, “Sketchy Internet Rumor” became “Internet True Fact.” Bear fat witness:

This has been two things: the last time I doubt anything on the Internet and your Daguerreotype of the Evening.