Archive for May, 2013

Poll: Nick Swisher: Koopa Troopa, or Toothless Codger?

In a single plate appearance versus Reds’ right-hander Homer Bailey last night (a three-pitch strike-out), Indians OF/1B/DH Nick Swisher displayed behavior that set off red alerts in the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team’s Office for Investigating Player Alter-Egos. The NIRIT (pronounced nee-reet) OIPAE (pronounced oy-pay) has gathered the following footage and have noted possible alter-egos for Mr. Swisher based on that footage.

EXHIBIT A:
Footage Suggesting a “Koopa Troopa” Alter-Ego for Mr. Swisher

EXHIBIT B:
Footage Suggesting a “Toothless Codger” Alter-Ego for Mr. Swisher

Now the OIPAE needs your help, dear NotGraphs gumshoes. Which alter-ego do you think is more like for Mr. Swisher based on the given visual evidence?


Buy This For Me: A Creepy Figurine

Over the many months that I have worked here at NotGraphs, I have never asked for anything from you, the reader. I have provided you with at least a couple minutes of amusement, if not always intentionally and often at my own expense. I have provided this amusement free of charge. My work has cost you nothing, except perhaps your eternal soul. And I have come to believe that we are connected now in that great cosmic sense where people are connected to one another. We are bound together. I have given, and you have taken.

But the scales demand balancing, my friends. They do. This cannot be a relationship where we are unequal to one another. I cannot be your teacher; we must teach each other. Otherwise, certainly, there will be a growing resentment between us, and that would break my heart. My heart that I keep pouring out to you, in the hopes that you would have something to return to me. And yet, you have given me nothing.

Thus, in the name of all that is fair and just, I command you to go out and buy this for me:

Figurine

Here are some “better” images of it:

Figurine 2

Yes, it is an exceptionally creepy figurine of indeterminate material that may or may not be very old and rare that the seller is asking $1,500 for. Between the literally tens of you who will read this post, it hardly seems like too much to ask for you to band together, pool your resources and make us even-steven.

You ask why do I want this? What will I do with it? “Shut up,” I say. That’s not really any of your business right now. Your business is to buy me this thing that I want.

I get that after you buy it, you’re going to want to know that I appreciate your purchase, and that I’m giving it its proper respect in my home. You want to see it on display. I understand this, and I will be happy to show you how it is reverently displayed. But until then, my business is my own. My desires are my own. My plans are my own, and I will not have them called into question. That would be rude, that question calling.

So go. Talk in the comments. Figure out who is going to buy this for me and how best to get them the money. And bring me this small baseball figurine cast from indeterminate material. Do my bidding. Show your gratitude. Make us equals.


Reid Ryan Visits the Edward Jones Chatting Cage

chattingcage

Hello everyone. Welcome the Edward Jones Chatting Cage, where we get to know more about some of the biggest people in MLB baseball. I’m your host, Jeremy Brisiel. Today, we’re talking to the new president of the Houston Astros, Reid Ryan. Reid, thanks for joining us.

ryancage1

Thanks, for having me, JB.

 

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Totally Not-Fake Tweet Roundup


You Want to Know What Love Is, Allow Erie to Show You

Kiss

You, reader, sitting there alone in what has charitably been referred to as a “studio apartment,” but which is actually more accurately described as the “halfway house between your miserable birth and miserable death” — you desperately want to know what love is.

Fortune, which has so often beaten you about the legs and chest and neck, has brought you now to the present internet weblog post — and, more specifically, to the image embedded here of the Kiss Cam from an Erie SeaWolves game at historic Jerry Uht Park.

A Jubilee of Eroticism? A Sexy Luncheon on the Grass? There are many words and phrases for the unchecked carnal pleasures at work within this heart-shaped mise-en-scene.

What we have ultimately, though, is a Primer in Love. The sad, sad reader would do well to study it. Eagerly.


NotGraphs Video Scouting: Rafael Montero, RHP, New York NL

Click here for other enlightening installments of NotGraphs Video Scouting.


Unintentionally Found: Rob Murphy, OG Stat Nerd

robmurphy

Whilst perusing the gentleman’s Internet, I came across the above picture. It features baseball, but it also features a depiction of an antiquated piece of technology. I thought people might find that funny. I also thought people might see it as a pointed commentary on our society’s relationship with technology — i.e. how we can barely learn and become comfortable with something before another newer, better thing is thrust upon us. The second group would probably be reading too much into it, I continued thinking, but that’s OK because discussion is vital for growth.

I was kicking around a couple of ideas for an article. One involved Murphy’s internal dialog as he played a text-based computer game. Another had him hacking into the stadium’s scoreboard.

But then I did a little research on Mr. Murphy, trying to figure out what set of circumstances would cause him to bring a portable computer anywhere near a baseball field. Rob Murphy isn’t just dicking around here. Rob Murphy is a legit geek.

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Eno Sarris Pronunciation Guide: Rob Zastryzny

Become acquainted with all of Eno Sarris’s flawless pronunciations by clicking this hyperlinked text.


Three Harts (Beat as One)

Milwaukee’s Corey Hart, recuperating from a January knee surgery, has yet to play a game this year. With fewer opportunities to appreciate Hart’s craggy visage, renewed potential exists for confusion with other individuals of the same name. Since a search of the Internet failed to produce a satisfactory guide, I have produced one myself.

Corey Hart Corey Hart “Cory Heart”
Full Name Johnny Corey Hart Corey Mitchell Hart Courtney Simpson
Occupation Baseball player Musician Actor
Appearance corey_hart_baseball corey_hart_singer cory_heart
Height & Weight 6’6″/234 5’10″/? 5’2″/99
Birthdate March 24, 1982 May 31, 1962 May 9, 1985
Birthplace Bowling Green, Kentucky Montreal, Quebec Mesa, Arizona
Position Right field, first base Vocals, keyboards, piano, guitar, drums Various
Teams Brewers Aquarius, Capitol Max Hardcore, Wicked Pictures
Debuted 2004 1983 2005
Retired “Semi-retired” 2006
Appearances 3802 9 (albums) 199
Hits 950 “Sunglasses at Night,” “Never Surrender” Trophy Whores, Legal & Hot, Double Gulp
Awards & Nominations 2x All-Star; 25th in MVP voting, National League, 2010 2x Juno winner; nominated for Grammy, Best New Artist, 1984 Nominated for AVN Award, Best All-Girl Sex Scene, 2006
Religion Converted to Christianity in 2011 “Is the opiate of masses” (“Political Cry”) Raised a devout Mormon
Eyewear Began wearing prescription goggles in 2010 Noted for nocturnal use of tinted lenses Donned temporarily for Bookworm B*tches
Strengths Home run power; deceptive speed Passionate vocals; “cool, athletic” looks Flexibility, congeniality
Weaknesses Penchant for strikeouts; below-average defense Lack of lyrical depth Aversion to “watersports”
Controversy Allowed infant daughter to be sprayed with beer Publicly supported gay rights with single “Truth Will Set U Free” Appeared on film wearing Arizona State cheerleader uniform; university threatened legal action
Trivia Walkup song is ‘Until the Whole World Hears’ by Casting Crowns Briefly considered for the role of Marty McFly in Back to the Future Left home after a stack of pornographic pictures of her was left on her parents’ doorstep

#Shame

Sean Doolittle, Jarrod Parker, Josh Reddick, and Brett Anderson tweeted responses that indicated they weren’t thrilled with Heyman’s comment. Meanwhile, here at NotGraphs, we’ve gained access to Jon Heyman’s Unpublished Draft Tweetbank (TM) to find some other #shame tweets he ultimately decided not to post:

Heyman 1

Heyman 2

Heyman 3