Archive for November, 2013

IzturDunnKen. Woohoo.

Happy Thanksgiving.

yummydelicioustotallyediblecesarizturdunnkengriffeyjr


Sherlock Holmes, Proto-Sabermetrician

Deerstalker

The present author, for the first time in his already forgotten life, has recently begun reading the work of very dead author Arthur Conan Doyle. Doyle, as anyone who attended an important college will know, is responsible for the creation of fictional menace to the criminal classes, Sherlock Holmes.

Beyond the pleasure attendant to the stories found in Doyle’s collection The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, the author’s presiding emotion whilst reading Doyle’s work has been one of Unfettered Indignation. “Why has no one demanded I read this before?” the author has possibly been heard shouting. “What strange grudge does the world bear against me?” he’s also maybe ejaculated after three or seven drinks.

Apart from those theatrics, what Doyle’s stories have revealed is a mind (in Holmes) sensitive to those concepts which today inform the principles central to the thing called sabermetrics.

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Theo Epstein Loves George Kottaras

2002: Theo Epstein works for the San Diego Padres; Kottaras is selected in the 2002 draft by the Padres.

2006: Theo Epstein, GM of the Red Sox, trades for George Kottaras.

2013: Theo Epstein, President of the Cubs, trades for George Kottaras.

Bad photoshop below.


The Dayn Perry Hello

If the Dayn Perry Hello seems aggressive, you have not yet traveled to the shallowest depths of Mississippi.

The Dayn Perry Hello is suitable for foes, lovers, former foes, future lovers, dignitaries, holy men, street merchants, plumbers, members of the Illuminati, and former NFL coaches — as well as any manner of post-coital handshake and/or corporate takeover.

The Dayn Perry Hello should not be confused with the Dayn Perry Goodbye, which is the last thing you hear before you die — destined to be an earwig of your soul for all eternity.

Side affects of the Dayn Perry Hello include immaculate conception, Grapenuts™ nuts, heart-prostate role-reversal, puffy nipples, sudden-onset luminescence, drowsiness, and sugar shits. It is highly recommended that users operate heavy machinery after experiencing the Dayn Perry Hello.

Scientists are in the final stages of testing the Dayn Perry Hello as an alternative fuel source. Results, so far, have been positive. The Dayn Perry Hello can be used as a garnish for a nice steak dinner.

Many of you may be seeing loved ones this holiday. May I recommend the Dayn Perry Hello when you first encounter them? For the Dayn Perry Hello answers all the traditional catching-up-small-talk questions in one fail swoop, leaving you and your loved ones to enjoy a nice meal in utter, awkward silence.


What’s the Worst That Could Happen?


deadspin1

Yesterday, font of journalistic integrity and “horrifying diarrhea sludge” Deadspin announced they had purchased a Hall of Fame vote from a BBWAA member/bribed that member to vote the way the site’s readers would like him or her to.

“Fun,” a lot of people seemed to think. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

You mean aside from the creeping stench of outright corruption in the voting process and of one of the few places left that was doing quality investigative sports journalism? Ok, I suppose that’s not enough for some people.

Well, I imagine nobody thought this through very hard. There are ramifications and repercussions coming, people, possibly including but not limited to:

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Totally Unaltered Tweet: Fernando Tatis Makes a Lewd Joke

Former Major Leaguer Fernando Tatis doesn’t just use Twitter to voice his general confusion regarding Hall of Fame voting, he also employs it to broadcast unseemly wisecracks.

lewdtatis

 


New Fantasy Baseball Web Site

surhoff

It was 1996, and B.J. Surhoff never looked better.

Friends, I have seen the future, and the future is now. It comes with hyperlinks, tab-delimited tables, and bulleted lists. It comes in typefaces with dignified names, like Times New Roman and Courier New. It comes fast and it changes on a dime, provided you click reload often. It’s called the World Wide Web, and it will forever explode your notions of possibility.

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More Hypothetical Defensive Alignments

Last Thursday I presented to you readers some useless snack-like facts to get us from one thing happening in the offseason to the next thing happening. I’m sure it left you momentarily satisfied, and then, about an hour later when your blood sugar dropped, egregiously unsatisfied and cranky. Though my methodology in determining most of the facts I listed could be described as “dubious” and “mainly derived from answers people provided on WikiAnswers,” some of the facts were even less rigorously determined. They were determined by no method, really, except for me guessing and laughing. One such item was particularly amusing to me and is reproduced below:

Possible Defensive Alignment with Nobody On if Baseball Was Played with a Jellybean and Not a Baseball

jellybeandefense

What this post is, is more of these types of silly guesses on how one might align themselves defensively on a field if one were playing baseball differently or under unusual circumstances. All of the following assume no one is on base.

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On the auction block…

Courtesy of Baseball Think Factory, I have discovered MLB.com’s online auction site. You or I have junk, we throw it away. A major league baseball team has junk, they try to sell it to the highest bidder. These are prime items here.

A game-used locker nameplate from the ALDS, for A’s third-base coach Mike Gallego.

A game-used baseball from a Henry Urrutia single.

Cubs coach Jamie Quirk’s team-issued pants.

Sign used during AL Wild Card game, Indians vs. Rays, labeling the “Still Photography Workroom.”

Rockies game-used lineup card from a random game in May 2009 (can be yours for just $1.00!).

And, finally, just for Thanksgiving, Brewers pitcher Jim Henderson’s turkey-shaped hand tracing.

Happy bidding!


Inserting Baseball into the Most-Viewed Times‘ Articles

Hood
This beautiful and autumnal neighborhood is almost certainly populated by Times‘ readers.

Demographic research conducted by Media Matrix suggests that the average reader of the New York Times online is 47, well educated, and earns approximately $75 thousand per annum.

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