A Fake Doctor Analyzes Injury News

Ryan Braun, Brewers (strained groin)

Wow, that sounds like it would hurt. I’m not entirely where the groin is, but anytime you strain anything, it has got to be painful. I think typical treatment for this condition is to see a doctor and let him take a look. He might need to use a periscope or something like that, because the groin might be inside the body. I’m not sure if it’s inside or outside, but it’s probably one of those two. It’s possible that if the strain is severe, Braun could find himself on the transplant list, but there is always a shortage of groin donors.

David Ortiz, Red Sox (strained Achilles)

Wow, two strains in the row. Must be something in the air. Or in the water. I forget how these things transmit, but it’s either air or water, I think. I got cholera from some bad air last winter, so I know how Ortiz must be feeling. The Achilles is a hard thing to spell, so I’m sure it’s even harder to see, or hear. You know when your Achilles is strained when a trained medical professional tells you it is. It’s an unmistakable sound, of someone saying your Achilles is torn. Since that’s a word that doesn’t sound like too many other words. He’ll either need rest or some sort of treatment to get better, and it will take some amount of time.

Andrew Bailey, Red Sox (post-surgical thumb)

Bailey is on his way back! It’s always rewarding to see the body get back into shape after surgery. Bailey was entirely post-surgical right after the procedure, so the fact that it’s now only his thumb is great, great news for the Sox. By next week, hopefully he’ll be down to post-surgical thumbnail, and then just the tip, and then the post-surgery will soon be gone from his body entirely. I’m not sure if this is one of the thumbs on his hands, but even if it is, it shouldn’t be too much longer now.

Jayson Werth, Nationals (fractured wrist)

What a bad “break” this was for the Nationals. I say that because the injury happened well before the All-Star Break, not because I know what a fracture is and whether it has any similarity with something being broken. It will be a relief for Werth to be fully healed, because without a wrist, it would be hard to wear a watch, and if you don’t know what time it is, it’s hard to get to the field before the game starts. That’s why he’s missed so much time with this injury.

Carlos Beltran, Cardinals (arthritic knee)

I hear it was not a good appointment for Beltran and his longtime arthriticist. I’m still trying to get more information, but I think it probably has to do with the lower half of Beltran’s body, measured from top to bottom, which is how some people measure bodies, although the best way to do it is still under dispute. Fortunately, Beltran was born with two knees, so even if this one is all used up, he can just start playing with the other one instead.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn’t go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney’s or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Well done, sounds really funny stuff in here.