A Plausible Horror Movie Produced By Major League Baseball

Scene: October 2013

ullman office wide

Twins owner Jim Pohlad sits in his spacious Target Field office with superstar baseball player and shampoo salesman Joe Mauer, team manager and probable garden gnome Ron Gardenhire, and general manager/R. Lee Ermy stand-in Terry Ryan. They are discussing Mauer’s offseason plans.

Pohlad: Mr. Mauer, I don’t suppose they told you anything in Minneapolis about the tragedy we had up at my family’s hunting lodge up here in the Iron Range of northern Minnesota during the winter of 1994 and 1995?

Mauer: I don’t believe they did.

Pohlad: My predecessor in this job, my father, left a man named Shane Mack was the winter caretaker. And he came up here with his wife and his two little girls, who were, I think about 8 or 7. And from what I’ve been told, he seemed like a completely normal outfielder. But at some point during the winter, he must have suffered some kind of a complete mental breakdown. He ran amuck and…uh…killed his family with an ax. Stacked them neatly in one of the rooms in the west wing and then he, he put both barrels of a shot gun in his mouth.

Mauer: Well, that is quite a story, and it certainly explains why nothing has been seen or heard from him since. You can rest assured Mr. Ullman, that’s not going to happen to me.

Pohlad: The winters can be fantastically cruel. And the basic idea is to cope with the very costly damage and depreciation which can occur. Physically, it’s not a very demanding job. The only thing that can get a bit trying up here during the winter is, uh, a tremendous sense of isolation.

Mauer: Well, that just happens to be exactly what I’m looking for. I’m learning to play first base, and five months of peace is just what I want.

Pohlad: That’s good Joe, because for some people, solitude and isolation can, of itself, become a problem.

Cut to February 2014



Cut to April 2014

Jim Pohlad, Ron Gardenhire, and Terry Ryan return to their hunting cabin to find Joe Mauer frozen on the front lawn with his first baseman’s mitt on.

Ryan: Welp, let’s bury him out back next to that Shane Mack fellow.

Gardy: Maybe you shouldn’t have built this place on an Indian burial ground, Jim.

Pohlad: How else am I supposed to get out from under long term contracts? The BBWAA and guaranteed contracts are the real villains here. That much money and isolation and vengeful spirit energy is bound to drive anyone crazy.

The men nod in unison. Gardenhire goes to get a shovel.

Print This Post

Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for MLB Daily Dish on SB Nation. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted

Top Ten Things To Do With Frozen Joe Mauer.

10. Play catch.

9. Have Cameron write a 5000 word fangraphs+ article on Mauer’s declining range and it’s contract implications.

8. Honorarily induct him into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame

7. Trade him to the Dodgers

6. Revisit the Prior vs. Mauer dilemma from the 2001 Draft.

5. Force him to apply for the TrackMan internship. Lie about his SQL experience.

4. Send him on a pleasure cruise with the Minnesota Vikings

3. Film a follow-up Head and Shoulders commercial.

2. Enrol him at Mississipi College. Attend his graduation a fortnight later.

1. Introduce him to Ted Williams.

Stuck in a Slump
Stuck in a Slump

#9 was absolutely brilliant!


#3a. Double-dog-dare the girl from the Head and Shoulders commercial to French kiss him.