Best of Ask NotGraphs!

“…the best cure for fantasy baseball addiction is to force yourself to draft Colby Rasmus.”

“Without question, the Blue Jay is a far better bird than the Oriole.”

“…I hate to say it, but if you’re a Yankees fan and your son starts to root for the Red Sox, you have no choice but to take him to an open field, fifty miles away from home, push him out the car door and drive away, leaving him with only a Derek Jeter gift basket to remember you by.”


“…a 62-inch flat screen TV, a subscription to the Extra Innings package, and an overflowing bowl of roasted kale chips, topped with black sesame seeds and Maldon sea salt.”

“One wife to go to the games with, and another wife to wait for you back home. Definitely.”

“…but only if she’s willing to wear a game-used Jim Leyland jersey.”

“Nine auctions, fourteen drafts, a random lottery, two auto-picks off an algorithm I created myself, and one league where I throw darts at a copy of the USA Today stats page from 1992 in order to pick my team.”

“…topped with mustard, sauerkraut, and the tears of the guy in your AL-only keeper league who owned Travis D’Arnaud.”

“Michael Bourn is definitely faster than a three-legged cheetah.”

“…with a pair of earphones hidden inside each arm of the protective goggles, so you can perform neurosurgery at the same time as you listen to the post-game show.”

“Alex Gordon Beckham.”

“…but don’t use an actual bat, because then you could really do some damage.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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i noticed this and found it funny. i dont have any questions right now though.