Archive for Adventures of Joe West

John Smoltz: The Smartest Man Alive

Much like ESPN’s Buster Olney, I love anecdotes. Especially  baseball anecdotes. And most especially  if said baseball anecdotes are about, or have anything at all to do with, Joe West. The above, that’s a pretty good Joe West baseball anecdote.

I can’t help but wonder what Joe West was thinking, his tunes playing over Fenway Park’s speakers. I wonder if the fans were frightened. Massholes, help a brother out: Were you there? Do you remember this incredible occasion?

I also can’t help but wonder if John Smoltz had to do everything in his power to keep a straight face during his warm-up. And, most of all, I wonder if the tribute helped Smoltz’s strike zone.

Smoltz took the loss that fateful night, July 26, 2009. To Baltimore, no less. He allowed six runs in five innings, and gave up nine hits. He struck out six, and walked one. But it hardly mattered. Thanks to his warm-up, Smoltz had already won.

Joe West Ejects Dumb, Stupid Leukemia

If for some reason you haven’t heard, I regret to be the one informing you that FanGraphs’ First and Only Full-Time Employee Dave Cameron has leukemia.

This news makes me, Carson Cistulli, upset. Despite the fact that he looks strange and hasn’t seen a movie since 1987, Dave Cameron is a truly thoughtful man and, if I may say, a dear friend. I believe I speak for everyone on the NotGraphs masthead, when I say that we look forward to Cameron recovering fully.

Joe West has a different approach, though. When he learned this morning about Cameron’s condition, he did the only thing that Joe West really knows how to do: he frigging tossed leukemia.

Though most of us have likely questioned West’s decision-making at one point or another, I think it’s clear that West’s instincts are entirely flawless in this matter.

All of which leads me to this entirely giant and heartfelt message:

Get better, Dave Cameron! You ARE FanGraphs, sir!

Judge Joe West Tosses Roger Clemens Case

I know what you’re thinking: The artist’s rendition of Judge Joe West is bloody superb.

Prosecution, and a whole whack of taxpayers’ dollars: You’re gone!

Original image credit: The Associated Press.

Reader Submission: Joe West & the Obvious Ejection

Remember VCRs? Of course you do. So does our favorite umpire, Joe West.

You’ll be happy to know that the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed, with help from our resident Photoshopper Ross (@syourh), that The Great Ejector has no time for Netflix; that his VCR is still going strong. Because, as Joe West said so himself, or would if I could ask him about VCRs, there are far too few things in life with an “EJECT” button on them.

Thanks, Ross. Keep up the great work around here.

Hot GIF Action: Mission Accomplished

I asked. The internet answered.

Mere hours after my request for a GIF showing the true power of a Wily Mo Pena Forearm Mash, reader Ross (syh) lit up the NotGraphs Tip Line with this gem. I’ll shut up now and let Wily Mo’s right forearm do the talking:

This: A Thing Joe West Will Not Abide

There are things in this world that Joe West will not abide: bad clams, people talking over his Artie Shaw records, barmen given to ungenerous pours of the Maker’s Mark, use of the Single-Windsor knot when everyone knows the Double Windsor gets the dame, kids who won’t pull up their damned pants. And that’s but a partial listing.

Here’s something else: the dark ways of Cobra Kai, especially when employed against God’s own Roy Halladay …

Jon Gruden, you and your nefarious dojo are outta here!

(Roundhouse of gratitude to Twittersome reader Adrian.)

Joe West Buys An iPad 2

He won’t be needing his old desktop computer anymore. Especially not that damn monitor.

Original image credit: Daily Dose of Imagery.

Joe West Ejected Another Vancouver Rioter

Up here in Canada, we’re still grappling with the tough questions: Why? Why, after their Canucks lost game seven, did those laid back Vancouverites decide to show the folks in Montreal how it’s really done? What is it about hockey that makes the average, beer-drinking, eh-saying Canadian lose, well, his or her shit?

We’ll likely never know.

But that’s hardly the point. The point is: NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team correspondent Steve, whose last name we have concealed in order to protect his identity, captured the footage above from Wednesday night. Below is his report:

After he finished making the calls at third base between the Angels and Mariners on Wednesday night, the Great Ejector took his talents where they were badly needed. He caught the Cascade up to Canada and used his immaculate talents for the greater good, clearing the hooligans and ruffians from the streets alongside Vancouver’s finest. However, it is unclear to this day if Mr. West is ejecting the defeated Canucks fan or the officer who dared sully the good name of the Vancouver P.D. by carrying his riot gear upside down.

I know; Steve does great work. Much like Joe West.

Seriously. Thanks, Steve.

Joe West Tossing Knowledge

NBC Universal’s “The More You Know” star doesn’t toss itself, you know.

Big ups: Shockingly enough, to NBC Universal. And Joe West. Always Joe West.

Edwin Rodriguez: The Writing Was on the Wall

The Marlins manager, Edwin Rodriguez, announced his sudden, surprising-yet-not-all-that-surprising resignation on Sunday. the Marlins are presently 1 for the month of June, and now 0-1 without Rodriguez.

We now see, however, the departure was inevitable:

Meanwhile, the interim manager, bench coach Brandon Hyde, appears likely to have a fistful of trouble himself. Observe the tense, self-aware expression on Mr. Hyde’s face and the ever-looming Ejector standing by: