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Some of Your Midseason Fantasy Questions Answered

I’m in a 5×5 keeper league, languishing in last place (Fielder, Verlander, Holliday, etc). I’ve spent the past three weeks working day and night to dump some of my veterans for prospects who could potentially help me turn this around in the future, but obviously underperforming old guys are a pretty hard sell. Nevertheless, I took each team’s roster and spent hours entering projections and running simulations to demonstrate that my proposed deals were fair, and they should take the risk of, say, a Holliday turnaround in exchange for a risky bet like Noah Syndergaard. Hours on the phone, missed tons of family stuff, really dedicated my past few weeks to this and got a whole bunch of blue-chip prospects and risky wild cards (Danny Salazar, etc). My question: is my wife going to leave me?

Yes.

I’m in a crazy dynasty keeper league, we have three in-season drafts to pick up new guys, just had one after work last week to grab players from the draft. I ended up with Rodon and Pentecost and feel pretty good about that, but I feel pretty terrible about the fact that I missed my wife’s 12-week ultrasound to go to the draft, told her I had to work late but she found out I was lying. My question: is my wife going to leave me?

Yes.

After years of putting our league before our family, my husband somehow convinced me things would be better if I joined the league too and became fantasy-baseball-crazy like him. Turns out I actually love it, it’s been the best spring of our marriage, we’re both now totally into it, we spend more time together than ever before and don’t hate each other because of it. Problem is I’m demolishing him, am in first place by a whole bunch, basically stole Tanaka and Josh Donaldson from him in an early-season trade, and he’s in eighth place with no hope, mopes around the house all day, blames me for his sucky team. My question: is my husband going to leave me?

Yes.

I was about the pull the trigger on a great deal, had the e-mail written, just needed to push send, and I suddenly started vomiting blood. Went to the ER, the e-mail never got sent, and by the time I got back to my phone, the guy had pulled the offer. The blood is just the tip of the iceberg– everything that could be coming out of me is coming out of every orifice. Doctors say it’s a medical mystery. How do I get the guy to offer the trade again?

Sorry. You probably can’t. Good luck.

I think I accidentally traded my daughter for Carlos Gomez. Wife is furious. Well, sometimes. Depends on her mood. Was it a good deal?

Not sure.

Is it actually the middle of the season yet?

Not quite. Soon.


Ask NotGraphs (#35)

Last week’s Ask NotGraphs post brought 7 new questions. Thanks, readers. I will start with the strangest.

Hi Jerm

How do I know if girl like me.

Thank

鬼佬

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Ask NotGraphs (#34)

Dear NotGraphs,

Whatever happened to the Ask NotGraphs! column?

–Ambiorix Ouellette

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Best of Ask NotGraphs!

“…the best cure for fantasy baseball addiction is to force yourself to draft Colby Rasmus.”

“Without question, the Blue Jay is a far better bird than the Oriole.”

“…I hate to say it, but if you’re a Yankees fan and your son starts to root for the Red Sox, you have no choice but to take him to an open field, fifty miles away from home, push him out the car door and drive away, leaving him with only a Derek Jeter gift basket to remember you by.”

“Pass.”

“…a 62-inch flat screen TV, a subscription to the Extra Innings package, and an overflowing bowl of roasted kale chips, topped with black sesame seeds and Maldon sea salt.”

“One wife to go to the games with, and another wife to wait for you back home. Definitely.”

“…but only if she’s willing to wear a game-used Jim Leyland jersey.”

“Nine auctions, fourteen drafts, a random lottery, two auto-picks off an algorithm I created myself, and one league where I throw darts at a copy of the USA Today stats page from 1992 in order to pick my team.”

“…topped with mustard, sauerkraut, and the tears of the guy in your AL-only keeper league who owned Travis D’Arnaud.”

“Michael Bourn is definitely faster than a three-legged cheetah.”

“…with a pair of earphones hidden inside each arm of the protective goggles, so you can perform neurosurgery at the same time as you listen to the post-game show.”

“Alex Gordon Beckham.”

“…but don’t use an actual bat, because then you could really do some damage.”

Have a question for Ask NotGraphs!? Send! About baseball, not about baseball, doesn’t really matter, I’ll answer anything. E-mail me!


Ask NotGraphs! (#28)

Dear NotGraphs,

My wife hates my fifth-place fantasy baseball team, especially after I traded Chris Sale for Justin Upton. Do I dare make Jurickson Profar one of my two keepers? Also, do you have any tips for how to travel back in time and convince a younger version of myself to attend a less expensive law school?

Many thanks,
Anonymous Emailer

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Ask NotGraphs (#23)

Dear NotGraphs,

With the XXXth Olympiad underway in London, my geekage for the Olympics is at an all time high. And yet at the same time, I am super bummed that baseball — scientifically proven to be the greatest game in human history — is not part of Sport’s most extravagant and wasteful spectacle.

What can I, a lowly Rockies fan, do personally to help bring baseball back to the Olympics? Grassroots ballot initiative? Hunger strike outside the USOC? Or is there a better way?

Warmest regards,
Usain von Hercules

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Ask NotGraphs (#20)

Dear NotGraphs,

I manage a fantasy baseball team for my father. “Our” team is in 2nd place. He likes to brag to his friends that he’s the greatest Fantasy Team Owner ever, because he hired a great GM to do all the work for him. He hasn’t paid me yet, so I assume I still have time to negotiate an appropriate salary. What’s the going rate for a fantasy GM of a 2nd place team in a free fantasy baseball league?

Sincerely,

Sonofthegreatestfantasyteamownerever

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Ask NotGraphs (#17)

Dear NotGraphs,

What are your five favorite baseball books?

Thanks,
Your Wife, Because You Asked Her For a Fake Question That Would Maybe Sound Real

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Ask NotGraphs (#16)

Dear NotGraphs,

Who is Brian Dozier?

Thanks,
A Danny Valencia Owner

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