Archive for Comedy Jokes

Poorly Crafted Jokes for the Unlikely Roast of Todd Van Poppel

Laughing

The occasion for the poorly crafted jokes below is not a definitely scheduled, certain-to-happen roast of former top Oakland prospect and actual major-league right-hander Todd Van Poppel. Rather, it’s how the author inexplicably woke up in the middle of the night, found it difficult to fall back asleep, and subsequently challenged the internet to amuse him until such a time as he became drowsy again — which he did, eventually, but not before also learning from WebMD that insomnia is a major symptom for no fewer than dozens of fatal conditions.

Were such an event to occur, however — that is, a roast of retired pitcher Todd Van Poppel — the author would at least have seven jokes already written for it.

These jokes, in particular:

1. Your career was so short, if it were a literary form, it’d probably be the epigram.

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Tiny Ben Revere

tinybenrevere

Tiny Ben Revere would like you to take the picture now. There is a chest of Ninja Turtles back home that needs playing with. Michelangelo is his favorite, of course. What a silly question.

When adults ask Tiny Ben Revere what his favorite subject in school is, his responses include running, running fast, sprinting, jumping, and science. And recess.

Oh these books here? These are just for show. Tiny Ben Revere reads chapter books. Big boy stuff. These books are for little kids. He did bring this ladder from home, however.

Tiny Ben Revere rolls down his right sock only, just like his friend Joe taught him. The girls like it, not that he cares. He’s had a long-standing, well-publicized stance on the current cootie situation. Sometimes one needs to take a stand, and Tiny Ben Revere is no different. He puts his blue shorts on just like everyone else — lying on a bed with both legs sticking straight up in the air.

What’s that? Oh, astronaut. Yes, Tiny Ben Revere will grow up to be an astronaut. All his friends want to be cowboys, but Tiny Ben Revere realizes that the market for cowboys will have dried up by then. Don’t let this shirt full of handprints fool you. Tiny Ben Revere has business savvy.

Tiny Ben Revere doesn’t need to smile for the camera. This is just how his face looks.

(h/t to Internet superstar Aaron Gleeman)


Transcript: A Baseball Writer and His Broker Discuss A-Rod

EJ

With regard to Carson Cistulli, a certain (and, for the moment, unnamed) Edward Jones representative knows two things — namely, that he (i.e. Carson Cistulli) is (a) not “cash rich” and also (b) a baseball writer of some kind.

With regard to the latter of those two points, the author presents here a lightly edited transcript of a recent phone conversation between himself and the aforementioned Edward Jones representative.

Author: Hello?

Broker: Carson, hi. It’s [name redacted] from Edward Jones.

Author: Oh, hello.

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Most Popular Searches at NotGraphs This Week

Gogole

As one might suppose, social media sites like Facebook and Twitter drive considerable traffic both to FanGraphs and its subsidiaries. Also important, of course, are the page views generated by searches made on Google and elsewhere. Below are the seven searches which mostly commonly brought readers to NotGraphs this week.

babkdoor cutter
A popular pitch type in Polish Baseball League, one assumes.

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FanGraphs presents… FangRafs

All its readers know: FanGraphs is large and contains multitudes. NotGraphs is one of those multitudes.

Now, another one of those multitudes is FangRafs: images of players named Rafael (or “Raf,” for short) with fangs. FangRafs. Which, if one is inebriated or southern enough, may be pronounced in a way that is indiscernible from “FanGraphs.”

So, put on a garlic turtleneck, and behold.


FangRaf Palmeiro

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R.A. Dickey Enters Whole New World

 

TORONTO – After agreeing to an extension with the Toronto Blue Jays today, pitcher R.A. Dickey will be in a whole new world for the next three years. This shining, shimmering, splendid extension finalized a trade that sent Dickey from the Mets to Toronto.

Sources were unable to confirm when Dickey last let his heart decide.

“[Toronto GM] Alex [Anthopoulos] really opened my eyes to the wonder of Canada,” Dickey said in a press conference announcing the deal. “He took me on a helicopter trip. We went over, sideways, and under the city. I really felt like I was on a magic carpet ride.”

“I’m excited to show R.A. a new fantastic point of view,” said Anthopoulos. “In Toronto, there’s no one to tell us ‘no’, or where to go. No one says we’re only dreaming.”

Dickey said that though he has pitched in Toronto before, he never got to really experience the city.

“It’s a dazzling place. I never knew. But now, from way up here, it’s crystal clear. I’m in a whole new world. Unbelievable sights.”

Dickey told reporters his feelings were indescribable, and even his plane trip to Toronto made him feel as if he were soaring, tumbling, and freewheeling through an “endless diamond sky.”

“I told him not to dare close his eyes,” said Anthopoulos. “There are still a hundred thousand things to see.”

Dickey was then asked about his recent ascension from minor-league cast-off to Cy Young winner and staff ace.

“I’m holding my breath, in hopes it gets better. I’m like a shooting star, really. I’ve come so far. I can’t go back to where I used to be.”

Dickey’s wife Anne, also at the press conference, was asked to explain the process of negotiating and having her husband on the trading block.

“It was really a whole new world,” she said. Every turn, there was a surprise. But now, we have new horizons to pursue. I hope every moment is red-letter.”

“I’ll chase him anywhere,” she said when asked how she felt about possibly moving to a new country. “There’s time to spare. I’m just excited to share this whole new world with him. Toronto, that’s where we’ll be.”

“It’s been a thrilling chase,” added R.A. Dickey. “But this is a wondrous place for my wife and me.”

Abu the Monkey contributed to this story.

 

 


Possible Childish Headlines re: R.A. Dickey

The following are fifteen possible childish headlines regarding the R.A. Dickey trade situation:

Dickey Deep in Negotiations

Angels Working Hard on Dickey

Alderson Discussed Dickey All Night

Suitors May Have to Pay Big Price for Dickey

Deal with Dickey Close to Completion

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Goodnight, Wally Moon

You have refused to eat your mush. You have been told many times to hush. Your eyebrow has broken the brush.

So goodnight, room.

And, at long last, goodnight, Wally Moon.

Goodnight, nobody.


Great Moments in Hack Jokes Written About Baseball

Today’s installment of Great Moments in Hack Jokes Written About Baseball comes from comedian and current Branson, MO resident, Yakov Smirnoff.

The following two passages are from his seminal work, America on Six Rubles a Day.

 

I am still amazed every time I hear on the radio that a player has managed to catch several “fly balls.” How do they see those little things? (This explains why they all wear gloves.)

Some of the most confusing phrases are in the rules of the game itself. For example, they say, “If you have four balls, you walk.” Of course you walk. How are you to run with four balls? You walk proud!

 

This has been Great Moments in Hack Jokes Written About Baseball.

(h/t to my friend Ryan, who discovered this book and promptly gifted it to me)


Tips for Von Hayes’ LinkedIn Profile

Von Hayes has a LinkedIn profile. I went ahead and made it a little more robust — he wasn’t taking full advantage of all the skills and languages he learned while in the game, it seemed.

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