Archive for Great Moments in Smoking

Discovered: The Jim Leyland Breakfast user Carl Skanberg provides a most excellent artist’s rendering of what Jim Leyland ate this morning, and every morning previous.

Smokin’ Bud Selig, Revisited

As I do each night before soiling my bedclothes, I was thinking about what Bud Selig thinks about — and says — when he’s smoking wholesome, nutritious cigarettes.

In particular, what was Bud Selig muttering through his thinly parted, cig-impeded lips at this moment? Doubtless, he was all up in the grill of a cowed underling, but what was he saying? This, it turns out …

Snitches? They Get Stitches.

Smokin’ Bud Selig

Sometimes merest nicotine isn’t enough for Smokin’ Bud Selig. Sometimes Smokin’ Bud Selig needs a little something more to take edge off and to make everything seem a little more far-out and hep. You know what I mean, Bubba Bean? Hell yeah …

“When you’re driving have you ever thought about how everything outside the customized van is moving all fast and shit, but everything inside the customized van is perfectly still? Yeah … Let’s go buy a python for the apartment.”

Smokin’ Bud Selig

He is not Smokin’ Jay Cutler. He is not even Smokin’ Obama. He is, however, frumpy, disheveled and vaguely anguished at all times. He wears a suit, but he also sleeps in that suit. He smells like outgoing mail. He is the Shelley Levene of highly paid executives.

For these reasons, Bud Selig smokes, even if, within the misleading bounds of reality, he doesn’t smoke. Bud Selig smokes because he is Smokin’ Bud Selig …

“For once, can’t you just handle this yourself?” Smokin’ Bud Selig says. “Christ, I just need an Anacin, a Sanka and some sleep.”

Jim Leyland Is Only 67: America Reacts

So today I realized/learned that Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland is 67 years old. Seriously? Just 67? Look at this guy:

Stunned by my discovery, I did what any sane person would do: I expressed my shock and dismay to the approximately two dozen sad, lonely souls and spambots who follow me on Twitter.

America’s response tells us something about something, I tell you what.

Read the rest of this entry »

Cigarette Home Run Derby!

As everyone knows, the smoking of wholesome, restorative tobacco products is essential to success at the office, at the ballpark and in the bedroom. But which brand of gasper, in tandem with a regimen of deep knee bends and whirling dervishes and some time on the vibrating belt machine, will best make a man a man? I need not tell you that when it comes to refreshing taste at a price you can appreciate, Chesterfield is your choice. Unless your choice is Camel.

So which brand of puff should the ambitious youngster have started smoking yesterday? Let’s decide this by American Home Runs Over Wholesome Fences! First up, representing fat-free, vegan Camels is Smoke Cigarettes Hank Aaron!

That’s 755 home runs for Camel! Mildness and great taste? Not impossible, says Smoke Cigarettes Hank Aaron! Can Chesterfield possibly surmount such a deficit? What say you, Smoke Cigarettes Willie Mays?

Whoa, shit! That’s 660 home runs for the cause of Chesterfield, which are great in large part because they are great for you! And now Chesterfield will attempt to take the lead with Smoke Cigarettes Stan Musial!

Triple smoking pleasure? ABC call-to-action? The living fuck, yes!

Add it up, and it’s now 1,135 home runs to 755 home runs, advantage Chesterfield! The hopes of Camel now rest on the rolled-tobacco shoulders of Smoke Cigarettes Roger Maris!

Goodness gracious, he almost did it! That’s 1,030 home runs for Camel, which means Chesterfield is the winner!

Of course, everyone who chooses the Smoking American Lifestyle is the real winner! Want to be strong and heroic like the Smoke Cigarettes Men above? Then smoke cigarettes! Anything to add, Leo Durocher?

“Don’t forget that the right attitude and a well placed cigarette also mean you’ll be drowning in ass!”