Archive for Naming Names

Boston’s New Foul-Territory Coquette

Among the many losses endured by the Boston Red Sox this offseason, none was so loudly mourned as that of Heidi Watney, NESN’s erstwhile and comely foul-territory reporter. However, as the Internetting Gentleman with the Web-enabled computer may already know, Ms. Watney now has a replacement. Please meet Ms. Jenny Dell. Click to make the image more turgid, swollen, erect, dilated, and puffy:

Just how much of a bawdy minx is Ms. Dell? Well, contrary to appearances, that’s not a Halloween party pictured above; that’s her uncle’s wake. So consider her your clubhouse leader for the 2012 ESPY for “Best Journalism Cans.”

As always and forever, though, make mine Julia Ormond.

Depressing Baseball Posters

Look at David Nied! Just look at him!

David Nied is playing a boy’s game in a god’s country! Is that a cowhide baseball or a frosty snowball, both totems to a lad’s insouciance! The promises of youth! The crisp air in one’s lungs! The ball taking determined flight from the determined hands of a Young Man of America! Who cares if his paymasters will force him to pitch in Mile High Stadium! David Nied, Young Man of America, can do this!

David Nied failed.

This is Vic Tayback’s grave:

(Thanks, I guess: Old Time Family Baseball)

The Youk and Young Manhood Debate

It comes as no surprise that yesterday’s junket into the damnably handsome mind of Young Kevin Youkilis lit the Internet on fire and then made love to the flames. Were the writer’s interpretations chillingly accurate or nothing more than odious revisionism? On this matter, the Republic is as sharply divided as a fraction with rocky chasm running through it and within that chasm a painstakingly sustained demilitarized zone and within that demilitarized zone a river and a fence with razor wire and giant, violent border chickens — talons brandished, natch.

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Young Kevin Youkilis

Young Kevin Youkilis is the only varsity athlete to be bullied by an asthmatic National Merit Semi-Finalist.

Young Kevin Youkilis uses flash cards to remind him of his deepest regrets and of the specific ways in which he will one day show them all.

Young Kevin Youkilis will not be voted “Most Handsome” or “Most Likely to Succeed”; Young Kevin Youkilis, in an informal and unsanctioned straw poll, will be voted “Most Likely to Try Too Hard. So Hard It’s Almost Adorable.”

Young Kevin Youkilis, if he’s honest with himself, is probably too old to identify so strongly with the full complement of male Peanuts characters. But sometimes he does so much it hurts. “Linus, man, I know,” he says at night while reading his tattered copies.

When Young Kevin Youkilis needs to half-smile for photos, he thinks of that time he saw Meghan Connelly’s bra. And baseball.

Young Kevin Youkilis’s hair has been called “frustration’s pelt.”

Although Young Kevin Youkilis’s hair is the only thing holding the sweat in, he still wishes his stupid hair would just go away.

It shall.

On Young Kevin Youkilis’s Trapper Keeper, which is festooned with images of geometric shapes and planetoids in determined orbit, he has written, “My heart and will are too big and mighty for Cincinnati.”

They are.

(Thank you[k]: Ducks on the Pond and my man Navin)

A Thing Murray Chass Actually Said

Blogger Murray Chass, America’s Least Favorite GrandpaTM, is famously promiscuous with his base-and-ball opinions, and his latest gumbo of a dispatch is no disappointment. His masterstroke comes when he recounts why he’s decided not to put the maximum 10 names on any Hall-of-Fame ballot regardless of the candidates’ merits:

Having 10 players enter the Hall at the same time would detract from the honor for each player. In addition, the induction ceremony would take forever and require a break for dinner.

Once more, for championship emphasis:

… and require a break for dinner.

And so …

A Taxonomy of Baseball Eyebrows

Baseball, besides providing us with boundless joy and Things to Talk about with The Stern and Distant Fathers of America, also lays out before us the full complement of modern eyebrow styles. Let us now see to the essential business of identifying and naming those styles …

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Ballplayers Who Have Died on Christmas

Thanks to the death-infused search functions at Baseball-Reference, it’s easy to compile a list of ballplayers who selfishly ruined the holidays by dying on Christmas Day. Let us remember their crossing of the Styx and their insistence on doing so while everyone else was just trying to enjoy themselves.

Also remember this: As you open gifts, force chestnuts down the gullet and nod off in the glow of a D-level bowl game, someone somewhere is dying and thus soiling an otherwise fine day.

Things We Now Know about Kenny Williams

If you prefer your news to be five days old, then you’ll be gobsmacked to learn that White Sox GM Kenny Williams had his posh Chicago townhouse robbed and violated recently. This of course sounds like bad news, but thanks to the efforts of a certain plucky urchin we’ve learned a few things about Mr. Williams. To damn wit:

  • Mr. Kenny Williams drinks beer.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams enjoys the occasional lobster dinner, and, yes, you may box that up for him.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams drives a Cadillac.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur and drives a Cadillac.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams will wear a championship ring even if it has recently been worn by a smelly hobo.
  • Mr. Kenny Williams does not have a record of “sexual abuse charges dating to the 1980s,” but SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN HIS HOUSE DOES.

The great Bill Veeck had a habit of referring to front-office execs as “operators.” In light of this and those, you may now regard Mr. Kenny Williams as a “smooth operator.”

You May Call Him Mr. Uecker or Mr. Meat

Mr. Bob Uecker is, of course, such a national treasure that he carries with him the unmistakable odor of treasure. No surprise then that, in addition to receiving baseball’s highest honor, he has also been belaureled by those who roam the killing floors of Wisconsin. Bear delicious witness:

The embiggening observer will note that Mr. Uecker, besides enjoying the full privileges of membership in the Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame, is also known among Wisconsin meat-industry types as “Mr. Meat,” which, one assumes, requires him to wear on occasion an offal-stained pageant sash. I care not to imagine it any other way.

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Random Facts About Melky

Smooth like milk.

Maybe you’re wondering about Melky Cabrera even though his trade to the Giants has been thoroughly dissected. But, you’re wondering about, well, you’re wondering about his name. You know about his game. Where did he get that name? What does it mean.

Here are ten random (and slightly randy) thoughts about his name:

1) Melky is short for Melquiades.
2) The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada is a pretty good movie.
3) Melquiades means “Rey por la gracia de Dios.”
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