Charlie O’Products


Recall former major league catcher Charlie O’Brien, backstop for eleven Cy Young Award winners, personal catcher to Greg Maddux, inventor of hockey-style catcher’s mask.

And, in his retirement, deer odor salesperson.

That’s right, I have stumbled across Charlie O’Products, O’Brien’s unique (or maybe not!) line of sprays, creams, and beads that will make deer come closer to your guns so you can shoot them. Actual text on web site:

WARNING: Animals may be prone to attack you while using this product.

So, yeah, that seems like a great idea. But I guess if you’re wearing a hockey-style catcher’s mask while the deer mauls you, at least your face will be protected.

O’Brien is apparently also a member of the cast of Deer Thugs, a television program on the I REALLY NEED TO STOP WATCHING TV BECAUSE IT IS ROTTING MY BRAIN television network.

Deer hunters among you, feel free to explain in the comments why it makes good sense to rub yourself with perfume that makes deer think they should mate with you. I have all sorts of frustrations about living in New York City — construction noise, garbage, the high cost of living, subway cars that smell like urine — but at least I don’t have to worry that a deer is going to try and mate with me.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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We should require all hunters to use this product, arm the deer, and sell the TV rights to FOX.