Concessionaire Demands: Weapons-Grade Pizza

You’ll recall that not long ago thinking-man’s powerlifter Leo Martin gave us a walking tour of Safeco Field’s latest culinary offerings. New to the menu was a delightful little pie known as the “Apizza.” Indeed, it looks like my kind of slice — thin crust, pleasingly blistered, and a sauce-to-imported-cheese ratio calibrated to please anyone who’s fond of Bach and cats. (Though I prefer Guided By Voices and dogs, please allow me to traffic in stereotypes in peace.)

But what about the others? What about those not cosseted away on the enlightened Coasts, those forgotten, teeming denizens of America’s Heart Attack Belt? Those who view a trip to the ballpark mostly as tidy rationale for a shootin’ match between their LDL and triglyceride levels? The Apizza, unlike brawling in churches, does not speak to them. Perhaps this will …

That, best friends, is a pizza topped with cheeseburgers, fries and McNuggets. So a little respect, please. If you’re interested in the evolution of this pizza, from this point forward known as “The Conway Twitty,” then please, please, please click here.

In the final photo, you’ll find that this pie is of course best served with Dr. Pepper, a tape measure, a throwing knife, a votive candle, what appears to be a 9mm semi-automatic, and barbecue sauce. I’m not sure what local ordinances will say about the constituents of such a “full-meal deal,” but everything’s a negotiation.

So, enterprising team owners who fear the turnstiles won’t click often enough during the upcoming season, know that The Conway Twitty is here for your measured consideration. If you put burgers, fries and chicken offal on it, they will come.

But they might not leave.

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at’s Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

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Oh shit… *said in slow motion*