Eddie Murray’s 25 Ways of Doing Business

When one surveys the funereal countenance of base-balling great/fugitive from happiness Mr. Eddie Murray, one is likely to think, “Here is a man who conducts business even when he is not conducting business.”

Indeed, Mr. Murray’s famously solemn expression suggests not only a workmanlike seriousness and dedication to craft but also that he is about to become a signatory to documents awful in scope and implication — documents that he will soon entrust to a seasoned Latvian courier with whom he has a Business Relationship of longstanding. If Jeffrey Leonard has a “penitentiary” face, then Eddie Murray has a “tasked with making high-level executive decisions regarding the solvency and revenue streams of the penitentiary that houses Jeffrey Leonard” face.

Mr. Eddie Murray, you see, is unceasingly about business, save for those moments in which he is not about business. Yet it is during those moments that he is most about business. As such, Mr. Eddie Murray has spawned and husbanded exactly 25 ways of doing business, and for each of these 25 ways of doing business he has a distinct visage. We present them here …

Mr. Matt Kemp may be Business Handsome, but it is Mr. Eddie Murray who is Business Business.

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Mr. Smooth
Mr. Smooth

So basically he dominates the competition in the boardroom? What about the bedroom?


With consistency that would belittle many a great man, Eddie Murray has had sex w/ his wife in the missionary position every Thursday night, w/ exceptions made for childbirth and I’ll children, for thirty-three years. Sais relations are followed by exactly one cigarette (Lucky Strike) and a peck on the cheek in acknowledgement of an above-average job done.