Enjoy Your Brian Kenny Approved 4th of July

Brian Kenny doesn’t care much for no-hitters.

 

 

How brave, taking some innocuous thing that people find joy in and calling them “sheep.” On this 4th of July Eve, clearly Brian Kenny has become our greatest hero, and let us resolve to celebrate the 4th as Brian Kenny would have us celebrate it, devoid of more “antiquated” fun. To whit:

Fireworks have at least been around as long as the seventh century, when the Chinese used them in their celebrations. In this modern age, surely we can instead take in a 3D movie, or play video games on our iPads rather than set off miniature multi-colored explosions.

If you must have fireworks, consider just taking one of several existing videos of them on the Internet and make a gif of them, like I asked Notgraphs ingenue David Temple to:

perry

Fireworks from Katy Perry’s bosoms is as modern and American as robot apple pie

Sausages have been around for centuries as well, and hot dogs have been sold since at least 1880. You want a more modern food to celebrate America than brats and dogs. Perhaps a turducken? Or maybe something with high fructose corn syrup? Do they make a gummy hot dog?

gummi-hot-dog

They do? Score!

Finally, why watch baseball at all on the Fourth? The game wasn’t even born in America. The first mention of something like baseball is from Surrey, England in 1749, and it was being played by the Prince of Wales, who was George III’s dad (h/t to the inestimable Craig Calcaterra and Hardball Talk). As in the George III to whom Thomas Jefferson and the rest of the Continental Congress were crafting the Declaration of Fucking Independence. So why don’t you get started on building a Rollerball track or laying out a Death Race course, something uniquely American that will appeal to our modern sensibilities, and relegate baseball to the past, where Brian Kenny says it belongs.

Yay America! Yay progress!



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Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for MLB Daily Dish on SB Nation. He currently cohosts the podcast This Week In Baseball History. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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Steve
Guest

So much win.

(See what I did there, Brian?)