Five Things I Don’t Believe About the 2014 Season

Terry Francona probably won’t murder anyone this year.

Yesterday, in the electronic pages of FanGraphs, managing editor Dave Cameron published a post entitled Five Things I Believe About the 2014 Season, in which piece he shares five ideas concerning the recently started campaign.

What follows is a similar piece by the present author, except without all the carefully considered arguments and relevant evidence.

1. I don’t believe that the Miami Marlins are actually a team of secret operatives posing as a major-league baseball club, but actually attempting to infiltrate the largest drug cartel on the Eastern seaboard.

I don’t believe it. That said, it has certain merits as a working theory for that club’s difficulties.

2. I don’t believe that Cleveland manager Terry Francona, despite his Italian heritage, will employ dogmatically Machiavelli’s instructions both on acquiring and retaining power — up to and including the murder of Nick Swisher’s father, for example, merely to the end of demonstrating that he’s capable of wanton and senseless cruelty.

I’m just saying, there’s below a 50% chance that this will be the case.

3. I don’t believe that Cleveland pitcher Danny Salazar, by means of his fastball, will provoke a giant and collective mystical experience one day at Progressive Field such as reveals to the thousands in attendance that the Kingdom of God is inside us.

It will be his split-change, instead.

4. I don’t believe that any of us will escape the sad absurdity of death.

Not specifically relevant to the 2014 season, but still something I don’t believe.

5. I don’t believe that there’s an internet website like the present one which allows for an author to produce such trifles as this trifling post.

Nor do I believe there will be one tomorrow.

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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I don’t believe I actually took the time to read this ;)