From Vance Law, With Love

Dear Internet Users,

I am not Vance Law the former Major League Baseball player, but I am a fictional persona who will be evoking Vance Law as I write (what I hope will be regular) Internet letters to you here on this little strand of the World Wide Web. Without further ado, here is a letter I have written to you!

I am noticing lately that I am a meticulous person. When I wipe the spots from my spectacles, it must be with a clean towel, for if the towel is dirty, I will surely dirty my spectacles with more than just the finger-smudges and water-spots that are already upon them. Only after wiping the spectacles do I allow myself to use the same towel on my sweaty brow &c. Then, it’s off to the laundry bin with the towel. My meticulousness accumulates quite a lot of towels to be laundered!

Though, as I seek to cultivate peculiarities and grow in complexity, I wonder if I might attempt a different method of towel usage: drying my brow first in order to have a clearer vision for wiping my spectacles — yet being sure to preserve a corner of the towel for the spectacles. Above all, I believe spectacles must be cleaned with an unsullied portion of fabric; but of almost equal importance is to meet the task of spectacle cleaning with an unsullied mental focus — and unobstructed sight.

To this point in my life, I have abided and enacted only the former rubric of towel usage. Now, having reconsidered this issue in my first letter to you, I see clearly the advantages of the latter method, and I believe I shall try it. That’s right, dear Internet Users: do not think that I am such a rigid man that I would refuse to revise my habits even based on sound reasoning. Just because my name is Law does not mean I do not bend! I am an astute editor of personality!

But what a strange first impression I must be giving you. What a way to solicit your future audience! I hope that the mundanity of the above reflections does not lead you to believe I am a poor or thoughtless lover. I am a sensual man with a clean face, and I intend to make unique, detailed love to each of you in due time.

With love,

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Hitler But Sadder
Hitler But Sadder

You have inspired me to start a collection of irrelevant autographs from baseball players– thanks for sealing my fate as a lifelong virgin.