Hopeless Joe’s FanGraphs Chat

Q: Thoughts on Gose getting called up to the bigs? And will he stay up when Bautista comes back?

A: Who knows, but I hope Gose is enjoying it, because this is probably going to be the highlight of his entire life, and, how old is he, 21? Odds are he fails, just like everyone else who tries to do anything, and even if he doesn’t fail, he’ll probably get injured. So my thoughts are that he should get a long-term deal in place by the end of week or else start reading some toilet repair books for his future career after he completely washes out.

Q: Do you see Yonder Alonso ever becoming an All-Star caliber player?

A: I’m not sure I even see him surviving the week, with all the tragedy in this world. He could get hit by a meteor while running onto the field, he could contract any number of illnesses, I don’t know why you’d even ask me to predict someone’s future when the planet’s warming this much anyway.

Q: With Fister pitching well again, AJax playing like an All-Star CF, and Miggy, Prince and JV doing their thing, do the Tigers have a shot to make any noise in the playoffs?

A: Well, I guess someone’s got to win each game, so, sure, why not? But if you think that’s going to change anything in the city of Detroit, or, for that matter, in the entire rust belt region of this country, you’re only deluding yourself.

Q: I currently am being offered Miguel Cabrera and Evan Longoria for Mike Trout. I already have Zimmerman, Votto, and Panda for Corners. Long term keeper. Do I make this trade?

A: Long term. Ha. I wish I still had your innocence. I wouldn’t make any trade that will take any sort of time to pay off. Who even knows if you’ll be well enough to play fantasy baseball by next season?

Q: What’s wrong with Paul Konerko … inevitable regression, or old age catching up with him?

A: Looks like a brain aneurysm to me. Hope it doesn’t burst while he’s on the field.

Q: Andre Ethier RoS?

A: I expect he’ll probably see some suspicious Facebook messages and realize his wife is probably cheating on him, sink into a deep depression, and hit about a buck-eighty, missing the last month of the season with a broken heart and a bit of dehydration.

Q: Scherzer and Rollins for Billy Butler sound reasonable?

A: Sure, if you can put aside worry about the conflict in the Middle East for long enough to consider the relative value of people playing a pointless game for a living.

Q: What do you think the market looks like for Carlos Quentin this winter?

A: Closed. We’re on the brink of a currency collapse, no one’s going to get any kind of deal. And if you’re not hoarding gold under your mattress, I’m not really sure what to tell you.

Q: What is the best way to get into sabermetrics? Not just knowing what wOBA or WAR is, but deeper stuff. Any books, sites, etc. to check out?

A: You want sites to check out? You know, you can reserve your own funeral plot online now. I’d start there. Then maybe the diagnostic tool at depression-screening.org, but not sure how much good that will do if you don’t have health insurance. Oh, FanGraphs is okay too.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn’t go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney’s or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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This is just the best. Recurring feature?


Perhaps, if Jeremy hasn’t bought the farm by this time next week.