Inserting the 2012 Yankees into Synopses of Children’s Literature

In which the members of the AL East Champion New York Yankees are inserted into the blurbs on the backs of chapter books, thus imbuing both man and literature with additional gravitas.

Night of the Living Dummy

When twins Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter find a ventriloquist’s dummy in a dumpster, Derek decides to rescue it, and he names it Slappy.

But Alex is green with envy. It’s not fair. Why does Derek get to have all the fun and all the attention? Alex decides to get a dummy of his own. He’ll show Derek. Then weird things begin to happen. Nasty things. Evil things.

It can’t be the dummy causing all the trouble. Can it?

Nick T. Swisher Is a Beauty Shop Guy

What’s the bestest job ever?

A beauty shop guy, that’s what! And Nick Swisher is going to be one when he grows up. But first he needs a little practice. And a few volunteers. Like his bunny slippers. And his dog. And maybe even… himself? Is Nick on his way to a new career? Or is he about to have the worst hair day ever?

Raul Ibanez Is: Rampant

Raul Ibanez had always scoffed at his eccentric mother’s stories about killer unicorns. But when one of the monsters attacks his friend and teammate, Brett Gardner – thereby ruining any chance of them going to the World Series – Raul finds himself headed to Rome to train as a unicorn hunter in the ancient cloisters the hunters have used for centuries.

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Patrick Dubuque is a wastrel and a general layabout. Many of the sites he has written for are now dead. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.

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Goosebumps, yes!