Introducing: The Inaugural Notalytics Conference

First off, I believe an apology is in order to all of the dedicated saberers who will be attending the SABR Analytics Conference in Phoenix in just over two weeks. When I was making arrangements for the inaugural Notalytics Conference, I was unaware that SABR’s event was scheduled for the same weekend, so I apologize in advance for the fact that your event will not be as well attended as it has been in years past.

The Notalytics Conference will be held at the Tipperary Lodge in beautiful Buffalo, South Dakota (just 141 miles north of Mount Rushmore). Registration is not required, so if you’re in the area, feel free to just drop on by. Here’s a rundown of the panels and presentations that are sure to make this a memorable event:

THURSDAY, MARCH 15

Panel Discussions:

1:30-2:45 p.m.: The Changing Face of Baseball Facial Hair Trends
Speakers: Carson Cistulli, NotGraphs; Dayn Perry, NotGraphs; Rollie Fingers, Baseball. Moderator: Eric Augenbraun

6:00-7:00 p.m.: Towards a Critical Theory of Peter Gammons Tweets
Speakers: Avital Ronell, Professor of Philosophy at the European Graduate School; Eric Augenbraun, NotGraphs; Slavoj Zizek, University of Ljubljana, European Graduate School. Moderator: Carson Cistulli.

Individual Presentations:

3:00-3:45 p.m.: IP1—Navin Vaswani, “Shit Joe West Has Ejected and Where”
3:00-3:45 p.m.: IP2—Summer Anne Burton, “Tweet Illustrating Explained”
3:45-4:30 p.m.: IP3—Eno Sarris, “How To Write For Every Baseball Site On The Internet”

FRIDAY, MARCH 16

8:30-9:45 a.m.: OH HELL F@*KING YES, .GIFS!!!
Speakers: Carson Cistulli; Jon Bois, SB Nation (haven’t actually confirmed with him yet, but I’m sure he’ll be cool with it); Shane Victorino, tons of .gifs. Moderator: Jeremy Blachman.

10:00-10:45 a.m.: Featured Speaker: Martha Stewart, “Making Your Basement a More Cozy Place to Blog From.”
Speaker: Martha Stewart, Federal Prison Camp, Alderson. Moderator: TBD.

1:00-2:00 p.m.: Open Mic: Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Stuff
Moderator: Dayn Perry, President, Dick Allen Research Department

2:15-3:15 p.m.: NAP TIME

4:30 p.m.-when the last person passes out drunk: Dizzy Bat Tournament

Individual Presentations:

11:00-11:45 a.m.: IP4—Carson Cistulli, “Zen and the Art of the Single-Line Title”
3:30-4:15 p.m.: IP5—Old Hoss Radbourn, “Safe Sex Practices”
3:30-4:15 p.m.: IP6—Jon Heyman, “#deltastinks”

SATURDAY, MARCH 17

8:45-10:00 a.m.: Beyond Snark: Baseball Blogging in the Post-FJM Era
Speakers: Ken Tremendous, FJM; Rob Neyer, SB Nation; and Murray Chass, The Murray Chass Blog. Moderator: Jon Heyman, CBS Sports.

11:15 – 12:15 p.m.: Baseball Card Trading Hour

1:30-2:45 p.m.: Fantasy Baseball Addicts Anonymous
Speakers: Bradley Woodrum, FanGraphs; Jeremy Blachman, NotGraphs; Eno Sarris, Everywhere. Moderator: Bud Selig.

Closing Plenary

3:30 p.m.-10:00 p.m.: Bud Selig Speaks, “Justifications for Every Decision I Have Made As Commissioner of Baseball.”

Speaker: Bud Selig, Selig Auto Sales

Individual Presentations:

10:15-11 a.m.: IP7—Carson Cistulli, “Sexy Pitches and the Sexy Things They Make Me Want to Do”
10:15-11 a.m.: IP8—The Common Man, “The New Plagiarism”