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List: Top Five Would-Be Color Analysts

Ha! Alf kills you.

Apart from some notable exceptions, the quality of commentary on baseballing broadcasts leaves something to be desired — in particular for the handsome and bespectacled sort who’ve made NotGraphs part of their (a) lives and (b) RSS feeds.

Below are five candidates to fill whatever color vacancies are currently open around baseball — or are likely to become open in the near future.

5. ALF, from TV’s ALF
You know what would really annoy Willie? Were ALF to secure gainful employment, delighting home audiences all over the greater Los Angeles area — even as Willie continued to insist (impotently) that ALF was a slovenly and freeloading houseguest.

4. The Author’s 10th Grade English Teacher, Walter McCloskey
Mr. McCloskey is from New Orleans and has a voice that sounds like two sticks of butter making sexy, candlelit love to one another. Also, he wrote a mostly erotic novel one time.

3. The Re-Animated Corpse of Oscar Wilde
“There are two out in the inning, and one ‘out’ in the booth here… Which, I’m gay, is what I mean. Was that clear?… Ugh, alright. Not my best material, I admit… On the other hand, I’m a fucking corpse, you guys.”

2. NotGraphs Contributor Dayn Perry
According to my records here, no one has ever broadcasted a game from the middle of Internet Street, wearing only Wranglers and an icy, determined expression. Or, I should say, no one has yet.

1. Some Combination of Dave King (dak), Michael Schur (Ken Tremendous), and Alan Yang (Junior)
This is the part of the post where I make a legitimate suggestion. This triumvirate are all talented writers of dialogue, at least, and have a working knowledge of sabermetric concepts. Which, those seem to be promising ingredients.