“…or what I should say, if you want to get technical, is that we have a bunch of deals in the vacuum sealer, because we’re planning to sous vide them. If we suck all the air out of Trevor Bauer and Justin Upton, we’re hoping we can somehow make them more appealing to the Indians, and end up with a 6-team deal where we get a new shortstop. We’re also planning on roasting Daniel Hudson, to really bring out his deep, caramelized flavors and lower his ERA. Did you know Patrick Corbin is poisonous unless you boil him for at least twenty minutes?

“…that grassy, woodsy odor is probably Gerardo Parra. We’ve got him and some applewood in the smoker, and then we’re going to see if we can turn him into a third baseman. If we slice Wade Miley really thin, he’ll make a great #3 starter, but we’re just not sure that him and Jason Kubel on the same plate makes for a good combination. I guess you could say we have a bunch of deals in the ice cream maker, but it isn’t done spinning yet. Of course, Tyler Skaggs is stuck on the anti-griddle and we’re having a bunch of trouble scraping him off.

“…well, I actually shouldn’t have said ‘marinating’ at all. It’s really more of a brine. We thought about using a rub on Paul Goldschmidt but we were afraid it would just mask his natural flavors. We hear Asdrubal Cabrera is really tender and juicy. Of course, we’re worried he tastes too much like Stephen Drew.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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