Alternate Realities: Matt Kemp Acceptance Speech

Often, we wonder what might have happened if Napoleon or Hitler weren’t so dumb and had gone on to rule the world. Or, what if Custer didn’t die at Little Big Horn?

I’m excited that my homeboy Ryan Braun just won the NL MVP, but I had this Matt Kemp post pretty much ready to go (didn’t want to jinx Brauny, and am happy to take the credit for jinxing Kemp), so now I present this “acceptance speech” as an alternate reality. Speculative fiction, call it. Move over George Lucas.

Behold, your new king.

I’d like to thank all of you for signing the petition to recall Joey Votto and institute me as National League MVP. While Joey did his best in his brief time as NL MVP, you, the voting public, simply weren’t going to stand for a .036 drop in wOBA, and you shouldn’t have to. Conversely, my wOBA rose .96 points in the last year, and now that certain distractions are behind me, I think the sky’s the limit. At that rate, I should produce a wOBA of .515 next year, setting a new standard in the category.

And there is no doubt in my mind that my own greatness will trickle down to my teammates in the form of increased runs scored, not to mention significant benefits in social standing for simply being my teammate: Jerry Sands might get laid just yet, and even the hideous Jamey Carroll, now with the Twins, will be able to approach women in social situations and say, “Hello, I used to be Matt Kemp’s teammate,” allowing him to engage with them for at least the amount of time that it takes them to realize that he does not have my phone number. “Sweet” Dee Gordon should gain weight because of the amount of nutritional value I exude, which exceeds your daily requirements. These are just a few examples of the benefits of Matt Kemp.

This man smells more attractive because of Matt Kemp.

As you can see, in light of my new position, I have decided to wear a wizard hat. Some people think that a lion’s mane would be more appropriate, given the lion is the king of the jungle and now I am the king of you all, thank you again for that honor, I know it can be difficult to give up your sovereignty. But wizards are pretty much the lions of the city. They dominate stuff with their wands, and a wand is kind of like a baseball bat, and a wizard sleeve is kind of like a baseball mitt, and though a lion’s paw is kind of like a baseball mitt, too, a lion does not have anything equivalent to a wizard’s wand that can be compared to a baseball bat. Plus, we need more wizards of color. Me wearing this wizard hat and adopting honorary wizard status helps minority children in the U.S. to know that it is ok for them to be wizards, if that’s what they want. In fact, it’s pretty bitchin’.

Also, I am wearing three crowns on top of my wizard hat. (This alludes to me winning the Triple Crown for leading the league in Homeruns, RBI, and Smugging Percentage. I can be seen at the top of this post displaying my league-leading smugness beneath my wizard hat and three crowns.) These crowns were very expensive to make and created jobs in the fields of metallurgy, bejeweling, crown fitting, and general celebrity worship. I hope to continue to create such jobs as I require more crowns and possible plaques for my house.

During my infinite reign as the Milky Way’s Most Valuable, Magical, Smug, Handsome, Public-Health-Increasing, Polar-Ice-Cap-Refreezing Human Being, I promise to think of more adjectives to describe and more symbols to represent my greatness. In fact, I will get a committee on that right now. Raise your hand if you would like to be on that committee. Boom: jobs created.

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Carson Cistulli

Friscalating dusklight.


I saw that movie before discovering Cormac McCarthy. But after reading ‘Blood Meridian’, that scene became super-hilarious.