Merry Optimistic Time of Year!

The Wall Street Journal has a not-so-ridiculous article about how the Mets lineup, at a fraction of the cost, might not be any less productive than the Dodgers’ far more famous eight. But if you’re going to write flights of optimistic fancy, why stop there? The Mets could be better than the Dodgers, sure. It’s reasonable. I’m going to instead try to make the argument for why a team of former and current Presidential pets could be better than the Angels.

1. Mike Trout is a mirage. So, clearly, anyone would be a great improvement over him. Even William Henry Harrison’s cow, Sukey.
2. Erick Aybar does not walk much. Dogs, like Harry Truman’s cocker spaniel, Feller (named after Bob?), need to walk every day. Point, Feller.
3. Albert Pujols is on the downside of his career. Bo, President Obama’s Portuguese Water Dog, hasn’t even started his second term yet.
4. Josh Hamilton is often injured. Aside from a hospitalization due to intestinal issues, FDR’s Scottish Terrier, Fala, lived for twelve healthy years.
5. Mark Trumbo has trouble getting on base. Bases are made of canvas covering a soft foam or rubber material. John Quincy Adams had pet silkworms. Silk is stronger than canvas. Pets win.
6. Howie Kendrick has consistently failed to improve. Theodore Roosevelt had a pet bear. That is more interesting.
7. Alberto Callaspo likely has less power than John Adams’s horse, Cleopatra. Horses are very powerful animals.
8. Chris Iannetta has trouble making contact. President Reagan’s dog, Rex, threw the switch that lit the National Christmas Tree. He did not miss when he reached for it.
9. Peter Bourjos is fast, but almost certainly not as fast as Smoky, Calvin Coolidge’s pet bobcat.

Merry Christmas.

Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

newest oldest most voted
taft's wild pitch
taft's wild pitch

The world is a better place with Notgraphs in it.