Mike Quade, Professional Human Being

A few footnotes missing from the ESPN article about Mike Quade’s dismissal as Cubs manager.

The Chicago Cubs fired manager Mike Quade on Wednesday, and president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said the search for his successor begins immediately.1

Epstein and general manager Jed Hoyer met with Quade last week at Wrigley Field and spoke again by phone Tuesday2 after Hoyer’s introductory press conference3. Epstein flew to Florida to tell Quade that he would not return4.

“When I joined the Cubs last week, I knew that Mike had a reputation as an outstanding baseball guy5, as a tireless worker6, and as a first-rate human being7,” Epstein said in a release. “After spending some time with him this past week8, it became apparent to me that Mike’s reputation is well deserved9. His passion10, knowledge of the game11, commitment12, and integrity13 stood out immediately. While Mike is clearly an asset to any organization14 and any major league staff15, Jed and I believe that the Cubs16 would benefit long-term17 from bringing in a manager for 2012 who can come in with a clean slate18 and offer new direction.”19

1In fact, it already began last week. Shhhh.
2They called collect.
3Formally known as the “Pre-Mike-Quade’s-Firing Press Conference.”
4Epstein was also spotted riding Space Mountain. “Who’s Theo Epstein?” he said to the fan who recognized him.
5Also an outstanding baseball guy: the Cubs batboy.
6Keeping Carlos Zambrano from killing the rest of his teammates is an endlessly time-consuming task.
7Rumors that Quade is an invertebrate have been proven untrue.
8Except for that half-day at Disney World, riding Space Mountain.
9It should be obvious by this point: Epstein, like everyone else who wasn’t on the Cubs payroll, had never heard the name “Mike Quade” before taking this job.
10Passion for retirement, hopefully.
11The game of shuffleboard.
12Commitment counts a lot in shuffleboard.
13Someone picked up a thesaurus yesterday, am I right?
14Except for this one.
15Except for this one.
16Well, the team formerly known as the Cubs, soon to be known as the Chicago Red Sox, with manager Terry Francona, third baseman David Ortiz, ace starter Curt Schilling, Ted Williams’s unfrozen head playing the outfield, fried chicken and beer in the clubhouse, and an Ivy-covered Green Monster (also known as Carlos Zambrano’s Halloween costume).
17And short-term, and medium-term, and every other term.
18Mike Quade, for all his positive qualities, like an ability to respire, and two-handed-ness, had a very dirty slate.
19Especially since the old direction seemed to be “down.” Oh, Mike Quade, I’m still not sure how to pronounce your name, and now I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn’t go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney’s or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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You stole my commenting thunder with #19. There should have been a small talkish “Are you related to Dennis and Randy Quaid?” question asked by Epstein immediately upon their first meeting in Florida.