Mike Trout to Abandon Baseball for the Stage?

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team — ever purveyors of obscure, tenuous, and breaking news — has discovered that twenty-one-year-old phenom Mike Trout is considering leaving his team (whose playoff chances now stand at just 22.8%) in favor of pursuing a career in comedic performance art. The Investigation Team discovered the below flier, which was tacked to the community bulletin board of an independent bookstore in Milwaukee, Wisconsin over the weekend.

“…one the American masters of the art of talking onstage.”

The reader will notice that Mr. Trout is scheduled to give three performances — one each on the 27th, 28th, and 29th of September — at the Kenilworth Studio space in Milwaukee, dates when the Angels will otherwise be engaged with the Mariners (9/27) and Rangers (9/28-9/29). The reader might also notice, as the Investigation Team did, that Mr. Trout already has a reputation for “talking onstage.”

Mike Trout exhibiting the performative flair — and the biceps — necessary to command an audience.

While Mr. Trout was unavailable for comment, the Investigative Reporting Investigation Team was able to reach Jasper “Smoothie” Snoots, Director of Programs at Theatre Gigante in Milwaukee, the organization that booked Trout’s “one weekend only” set.

“Of course, Theatre Gigante has a history of the inter-disciplinary,” Snoots offered, “so a baseball star turned performance artist struck a chord. We heard from a sister organization in the Los Angeles area that Mr. Trout was preparing a monologue performance, but wanted to debut it in a setting removed from his current sporting fanbase — in an intimate setting. We thought he’d be perfect for the Kenilworth space.”

When asked what exactly Mr. Trout’s monologue/performance would entail, Mr. Snoots played coy: “Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of bat. And some light acrylics. Hehe.” When pressed, Snoots confessed, “He’s going to got up there and take his cuts like it’s batting practice. The monologue? A series of grunts that grow progressively lower in pitch. It’s an piece infused with absolute, primal joy while simultaneously serving as a commentary on public perception of the professional athlete. It’s quite brilliant.”

Make sure to keep up with the Investigative Reporting Investigation Team for future tour dates.

Leave ’em clappin’…

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This is an unfortunate attempt at comedy.

Navin Vaswani

Your mom’s an unfortunate attempt at comedy!