“So Done with Charlie Morton”

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Peruse’s pitching probables section, reader, and you’ll notice that each scheduled pitcher receives a brief, paragraph-long review (much like you see for Houston’s Bud Norris above) regarding his recent performance, season in context, etc.

Peruse’s pitching probables for this Wednesday, however, and you’ll be confronted merely by blank space under Charlie Morton’s name.

“What gives?” you’re probably thinking — which, that happens to be the very same question NotGraphs asked of Major League Baseball itself.

“We’re just effing bored of him,” responded MLB’s Head of Public Relations Tom Jenkins via email. “Seriously, we’ve tried to give a crap for, like, his last four or five starts, but now it’s just to where we told our intern, ‘We know how sad it makes you to write those profiles for Morton every fifth day. Probably just get some other work done instead.'”

When asked which other pitchers might receive similar treatment as the season wears on, Jenkins responded immediately with Jon Garland, adding “I don’t really even understand how he’s still a major-league pitcher. As effed up as that organization is, the very presence of Garland might be the most effed up part about it.”

Legal Note: Many of the facts and names in this piece are total fabrications.

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Paul Sporer

They could’ve at least linked to his best comp.

“See also: Halladay, Roy”