My Fantasy Auction Spreadsheet

My spreadsheet has many columns.

My spreadsheet has many rows.

My spreadsheet smells like jasmine.

My spreadsheet says the sweetest things to me as I drift off to sleep at night.

My spreadsheet is made of gold.

My spreadsheet has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

My spreadsheet wears a tuxedo.

My spreadsheet has a key to the city.

My spreadsheet shot a burglar dead.

My spreadsheet knows how to program my DVR.

My spreadsheet is in a street gang.

My spreadsheet has met the President.

My spreadsheet needs a root canal.

My spreadsheet wears army boots.

My spreadsheet was a finalist for a Pulitzer.

My spreadsheet speaks Korean.

My spreadsheet has many, many wives.

My spreadsheet leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

My spreadsheet knows me better than I know myself.

My spreadsheet holds the secrets to the universe.

My spreadsheet is a one-celled organism.

Wait. What happened to the other cells? Oh, shoot. I think I just deleted my spreadsheet. Does anyone have a list of projected dollar values I can borrow?



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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I'M A PC
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I'M A PC

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