Nickname Seeks Former Player: Vote on “America’s Step-Dad”


The nomination process, which involved deck shoes and uncles holding tumblers, is now complete, and now you may select from the 10 remarried-by-force-of-habit names to follow. Who among these men should be known forevermore as “America’s Step-Dad”?

First, though, let us allow the land-owning NotGraphs commenters and their powdered wigs to justify their chosen nominations …

Hosewalt: “The answer is Kevin McReynolds.”

therood: “I randomly sat next to Tom Brookens at a bar in DTW. I had no idea who he was at first, but I was wearing a White Sox hat and he started talking AL Central with me. He was pretty much the most ordinary baseball guy in the world and a solid alternative to America’s Weekend Dad (Mitch Williams) or America’s Real Dad (Lenny Dykstra).

Additionally, Brookens mentioned that he was at Disco Demolition Night as a rookie and his thought as a young man was ‘If this is what the big leagues are like, this shit could be alright.'”

dp: “Steve Garvey is America’s Stepdad, and its real father as well. ‘You’re not my real Dad!’ ‘Might want to take a look at those hairy forearms and immaculate pearly whites of yours and think hard about how your Mom and I met, sonny.'”

Johnny Hummusbeard: “Knuckleballer Tom Candiotti! From his wikipedia page: ‘Candiotti was inducted into the International Bowling Museum’s Hall of Fame on June 27, 2007.'”

olethros: “Stepdads aren’t gentle tempered, polo shirt bedecked, milquetoasts lazily boning your mom in the missionary position once a week or so. They’re drunken louts prone to unpredictable bursts of physical violence and fervent religiosity. As such, Ty Cobb.”

samuelraphael: “Jim Palmer. Pancakes for breakfast, kids.”

Katie: “John Olerud. Tall, quiet, adept, safety first.”

bob: “Robin Ventura… have you seen his press conferences?”

Dainer’s Hubris: “Rick Monday, Marine Corps reservist, American flag savior, Canadian team in the World Series preventer. Oh, how I resent him.”

agam22: “Kevin Stocker. There is no one more milquetoast than Kevin Stocker.”

Citizens, let us vote while acknowledging that what’s important is that your mother’s finally happy …


Thank you for exercising the franchise.



Print This Post

Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com’s Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.



Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Kyle
Guest

I’ve been swayed, and will be voting for Mr. Olerud. He looks like such a nice man.

wpDiscuz