Rejected Offers For Kevin Youkilis (NL)

Diamondbacks: Willie Bloomquist (who actually has a higher OPS, so, really, it’s a steal).

Braves: Julio Q. Teheran, cousin of prospect Julio A. Teheran.

Cubs: Theo Epstein, Jed Hoyer, and PLEASE CAN WE COME BACK TO THE RED SOX? PLEASE?

Reds: Didi Gregorius, which is really someone’s name.

Rockies: Free guided tour of Salt River Fields at Talking Stick, the first Major League Baseball Spring Training facility in the nation to be built on Indian land.

Astros: Jed Lowrie. Oh, wait. No.

Dodgers: Tony Gwynn. Senior.

Marlins: Ozzie’s Guillen’s psychiatrist.

Brewers: Livan Hernandez, maybe, if you throw in Daniel Nava.

Mets: Jason Bay? Think about it?

Phillies: A cheesesteak, but not from the good place, just the one across the street from the good one. Extra wiz.

Pirates: Kevin Correia’s mustache.

Padres: Omar Minaya and Randy Smith

Giants: This awesome looking Madison Bumgarner bobblehead (July 15th– tickets still available!)

Cardinals: Busch Stadium’s barbecue bacon hot dog.

Nationals: Won’t give up Zimmerman or Zimmermann, but maybe Zimmermannnn.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Big Daddy V
Big Daddy V

Can you please not post pictures of turd sandwiches? Some of us are reading at work.